New Joke Thread

Discussion in 'New Roundtable' started by red55, Dec 16, 2009.

  1. watson1880

    watson1880 Founding Member

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  2. shane0911

    shane0911 Helping lost idiots find their village Staff Member

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    A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends $20,000 and looks sensational.

    On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.

    ‘About 32,’ is the reply.’

    ‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily.

    A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question.

    The girl replies, ‘I’d guess about 29.’ The woman replies with a big smile, ‘Nope, I’m 50.’

    Now she’s feeling really good about herself. She stops at a candy shop on her way down the street.

    She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the assistant the same burning question.

    The clerk responds, ‘Oh, I’d say 30.’

    Again she proudly responds, ‘I’m 50, but thank you!’

    While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.

    He replies, ‘Lady, I’m 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra Then, and only then I can tell you EXACTLY how old you are.’

    They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the better of her. She finally blurts out, ‘What the hell, go ahead.’

    He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.

    After a couple of minutes of this, she says, ‘Okay, okay.....How old am I?’

    He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, ‘Madam, you are 50.’

    Stunned and amazed, the woman says, ‘That was incredible, how could you tell?’

    ‘I was behind you at McDonalds’.
     
    KyleK, kcal, GiantDuckFan and 3 others like this.
  3. watson1880

    watson1880 Founding Member

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    89 Year Old Man: "Can you believe Dr. My 20 year old wife is pregnant, I still got it!!"

    Dr. "Let me tell you a story." A hunter walks in the veld and a lion charges him.He grabs his umbrella aims at the lion, presses the button, the umbrella opens up and the lion collapses dead at his feet.

    Old Man: "Impossible, somebody else must have shot the lion!"

    Dr: "My point exactly!"
     
  4. watson1880

    watson1880 Founding Member

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    Boudreaux and Thibodeaux are out drinking , Thibodeaux looks at Boudreaux and says “Man, I’m gont “. Boudreaux keeps drinking, finally leaves and stumbles home. When he gets home he hears loud noises coming from the bedroom. Sure nuff, he bust through the bedroom door and finds Thibodeaux on top of his wife, goin ta town. Boudreaux throws back his head and starts laughin. “Gotdamm!” He says “look at dat Thibodeaux, he so dronk, he tinks he’s me!”
     
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  5. watson1880

    watson1880 Founding Member

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    A wife asks her husband, “Honey, if I died, would you remarry?”
    [​IMG]

    “After a considerable period of grieving, I guess I would. We all need companionship.”

    “If I died and you remarried,” the wife asks, “would she live in this house?”

    “We’ve spent a lot of money getting this house just the way we want it. I’m not going to get rid of my house. I guess she would.”

    “If I died and you remarried, and she lived in this house,” the wife asks, “would she sleep in our bed?”

    “Well, the bed is brand new, and it cost us $2,000. It’s going to last along time, so I guess she would.”

    “If I died and you remarried, and she lived in this house and slept in our bed, would she use my golf clubs?”

    “Oh, no,” the husband replies. "She's left-handed!"
     
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