New Joke Thread

Discussion in 'New Roundtable' started by red55, Dec 16, 2009.

  1. HalloweenRun

    HalloweenRun I'll try to be nicer, if you try to be smarter!

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    The train was quite crowded, and a U.S. marine walked the entire length looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a well dressed, middle-aged, French woman's poodle. The war-weary Marine asked, 'Ma'am, may I have that seat?' The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular 'Americans are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat.'

    The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat left was under that dog. 'Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired..' She snorted, 'Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!'

    This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window, and sat down. The woman shrieked, 'Someone must defend my honour! This American should be put in his place!'

    An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up, 'Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing.
    You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your cars on the wrong side of the road.

    And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong bitch out the window'
     
  2. HalloweenRun

    HalloweenRun I'll try to be nicer, if you try to be smarter!

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    Here's one for the ladies:
    ----------------------------------------------------
    Ray and Bob, two Government maintenance guys, were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.

    A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.

    "We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole", said Bob, "But we don't have a ladder."

    The woman said, "Hand me that wrench out of your toolbox."

    She loosened a few bolts, then laid the pole down.

    She then took a tape measure from their toolbox, took a measurement and announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches" and walked away.

    Ray shook his head and laughed. "Well, ain't that just like a 'Miss-know-it-all' woman?" he said. "We need the height and she gives us the length!"

    Ray and Bob are still working for the Government
    ----------------------------------------------------
    This could be Cajun’d up down there with Boudreaux & Thibodeaux. I don’t have those skills!
     
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  3. HalloweenRun

    HalloweenRun I'll try to be nicer, if you try to be smarter!

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    A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a very attractive woman waving at him. She says, 'Hello.'
    He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from. So he asks, 'Do you know me?'

    To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.'

    Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife.

    So he asks, 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table, with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?'

    She looks into his eyes and says calmly, “No, I’m your son's teacher.'
     
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  4. HalloweenRun

    HalloweenRun I'll try to be nicer, if you try to be smarter!

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    Time is like a river. You cannot touch the water twice, because the flow that has passed will never pass again. Enjoy every moment of life.

    As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the back country.
    As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.

    I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.
    I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.

    The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man. And as I played "Amazing Grace", the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together.. When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car.
    Though my head was hung low, my heart was full..

    As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say,
    "I never seen anything like that before, and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

    Apparently, I'm still lost … it's a man thing.
     
  5. LSUpride123

    LSUpride123 Boobies make everything A OK!!!

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    Guys, having trouble finding your wife a gift this year?

    Well, get her a vacuum and a dildo. I know, odd paring, but if she doesn't want to vacuum, she can go fuck herself.


















    Sorry for the dirty joke!
     
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  6. Bengal B

    Bengal B Founding Member

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    I asked my wife what she wanted for Christmas.

    She said, "Something with 4 wheels and a motor."

    I bought her a vacuum cleaner.
     
  7. Bengal B

    Bengal B Founding Member

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    Thibodeaux: What you get your wife for Christmas, Boudreaux?

    Boudreaux: A diamond necklace.

    Thibodeaux: I thought she wanted a new Cadillac.

    Boudreaux: She does but they don't sell fake Cadillacs.
     
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  8. GiantDuckFan

    GiantDuckFan O the Joy

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  9. shane0911

    shane0911 Helping lost idiots find their village Staff Member

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    Love far side. Best strip ever
     
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  10. mctiger

    mctiger closet claustrophic Staff Member

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    Its a tough choice...The Far Side or Bloom County?
     

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