New Joke Thread

Discussion in 'New Roundtable' started by red55, Dec 16, 2009.

  1. HalloweenRun

    HalloweenRun I'll try to be nicer, if you try to be smarter!

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    Based on #21, above, If one was to fly in for a football game, and stay at a hotel, what is the best way to get to Tiger Stadium, and back?
     
  2. Bengal B

    Bengal B Founding Member

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    Uber, but expect to pay surge pricing. I know an Uber driver who made $800 the day and night of the Alabama game.
     
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  3. HalloweenRun

    HalloweenRun I'll try to be nicer, if you try to be smarter!

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    Hillary phoned the president's office shortly after midnight. "I need to
    talk to the president, it's an emergency!", exclaimed Hillary.

    After some cajoling, the president's assistant agreed to wake him up.
    "So, what is it that's so important that it can't wait until morning?", grumbled Trump.

    " A Supreme Court Judge just died, and I want to take his place," begged Hillary.

    "Well, it's OK with me, if it's OK with the mortuary," replied President Trump.
     
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  4. HalloweenRun

    HalloweenRun I'll try to be nicer, if you try to be smarter!

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    DRIVING TO CHICAGO
    In a mental institution a nurse walks into a room and sees a patient acting like he's driving a car.

    The nurse asks him, "Charlie what are you doing?"

    Charlie replied, "Driving to Chicago!" The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room.

    The next day the nurse enters Charlie's room just as he stops driving his imaginary car and asks, "Well Charlie, how you doing?"

    Charlie says, "I just got into Chicago."

    "Great," replied the nurse.

    The nurse leaves Charlie's room and goes across the hall into Bob's room and finds Bob sitting on his bed masturbating vigorously.

    With surprise she asks, "Bob what are you doing!?"

    Bob says, "I'm screwing Charlie's wife while he's in Chicago!"
     
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  5. HalloweenRun

    HalloweenRun I'll try to be nicer, if you try to be smarter!

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    A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

    While he's in there, the husband tells his wife "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong honey. I love you."

    To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!
     
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  6. mctiger

    mctiger closet claustrophic Staff Member

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    My wife and I were discussing end-of-life decisions last night. I told her I never want to live dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. She unplugged the computer and threw away my beer.
     
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  7. Bengal B

    Bengal B Founding Member

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    [​IMG]
     
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  8. HalloweenRun

    HalloweenRun I'll try to be nicer, if you try to be smarter!

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    Potato-Baseball Jokes!

    Why did the potatoes get to bat first?
    They were dugout.

    Why couldn’t the little potato hit a baseball?
    He was just a tot.

    Why do potatoes like defense in baseball?
    Because they’re in the field.

    What happened when the corn team played the potatoes?
    They got creamed.

    Why happened when the corn team beat the potatoes in the next game?
    They were a-maized.

    Why did the potatoes lose to the tomatoes?
    They couldn’t ketchup.

    Why did the hot wings refuse to play the potatoes?
    They were chicken.

    Why wouldn’t the potatoes cross the road to play baseball?
    They didn’t want to get mashed.

    What if I told you the potatoes beat the big cats team?
    I’d be lion.

    Why did the A-1 Sauce team loose to the potato team?
    They didn’t have a steak in the game.

    How did the manager recruit the star spud for his team?
    He buttered him up.

    What happened when the potatoes played the zucchini?
    They were squashed.

    What do potatoes call little league baseball players?
    Small fries.

    Why did the potatoes get crushed in their last baseball game?
    Because they were chips.
     
  9. Bengal B

    Bengal B Founding Member

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    Boooooo!
     
  10. mctiger

    mctiger closet claustrophic Staff Member

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