New Joke Thread

Discussion in 'New Roundtable' started by red55, Dec 16, 2009.

  1. mctiger

    mctiger closet claustrophic Staff Member

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    An older gentleman walks into a bar in Tuscaloosa, Alabama just off the UofA campus and orders a beer. The alpha male gump looks over the stranger, walks over and says,"Its obvious you're not a student. What are you?" The man says,"I'm a taxidermist." "What's a taxidermist?" says the gump. "Do you drive a taxi?" The man says,"No, it means I mount animals." The gump raises his voice and says,"It's OK, boys, he's one of us! Roll Tide!"
     
  2. mctiger

    mctiger closet claustrophic Staff Member

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    A man goes to his doctor for chronic headaches. The doctor gives him a thorough exam and says,"I'm sorry, but you have a rare condition, in which your testicles press against your spine and cause headaches. The only surefire cure is castration." The man is devastated, but figures he can live without testacles, but can't live with headaches.

    After a few days of moping, he realizes he must move on...."The headaches are gone; I have a new lease on life. Maybe a new suit will help rid me of the sense of loss I'm feeling." So he goes to a tailor, who says,"New suit? Sure! You're a 44 long, right?" The man says, "How'd you know? I've never been here." The tailor says,"I've been doing this for 30 years. 35 shirt with a 17 neck, 10 1/2 shoes, right?" "Right again, that's amazing!" "Its what I do," said the tailor..."Might as well get some new underwear while you're at it. 38, right?" "First time you've missed," said the man, "I wear a 34." "No way," says the tailor, "34's would be so tight, your testicles would press against your spine, and you'd have headaches all the time."
     
  3. Bengal B

    Bengal B Founding Member

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    My wife is so ugly she goes trick or treating over the telephone
     
  4. el005639

    el005639 Err on the side of freedom

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    I miss Rodney Dangerfield
     
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  5. HalloweenRun

    HalloweenRun I'll try to be nicer, if you try to be smarter!

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    I am getting a lot of milage out of this one.
     
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  6. mctiger

    mctiger closet claustrophic Staff Member

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    An LSU mortician student enters the embalming room where a corpse awaits. She feels like she's ready to perform an autopsy on her own, so she turns the corpse over, and to her surprise, sees a cork shoved up the body's ass. She removes the cork, and suddenly the sounds of "Rammer Jammer" begin to drift out of the butt. Quickly, she puts the cork back and rushes out to find her professor. She drags the professor to the room, and he says,"OK, what's this remarkable discovery you've made?" She points to the cork. He pulls out the cork, and also begins to hear "Rammer Jammer." The professor shrugs and says,"So what? I've heard thousands of assholes sing that song."
     
  7. HalloweenRun

    HalloweenRun I'll try to be nicer, if you try to be smarter!

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    Be forewarned, this one is PAINFUL!

    A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down……
    The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego?"
    "Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?"
    "Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back that
    have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day.
    Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you $100 for your trouble”
    "I'd be happy to," said the blonde.
    So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts, and off they went.
    Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified!
    There was the blonde walking down the street, holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd.
    With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde.
    "What are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo!"
    "Yes, I know you did," said the blonde. "But we had money left over so now we're going to Sea World."
     
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  8. mctiger

    mctiger closet claustrophic Staff Member

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    A retired general living in NYC runs into his former orderly, who is also retired. He invites the man to a bar, where after a long conversation, he convinces the former enlisted man to become his valet. "There's nothing to it," he said. "You just do everything you used to do for me as an orderly. You'll pick it up very quickly."

    The next morning, the new valet arrives at work promptly at 8:00am. He enters the general's bedroom, opens the drapes, and gently shakes his new boss on the shoulder to wake him. Then he moves to the other side of the bed, swats the general's wife on the ass, and says,"OK sweetheart. Time to head back to the village."
     
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  9. tirk

    tirk im the lyrical jessie james

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    Melikey
     
  10. mctiger

    mctiger closet claustrophic Staff Member

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    A woman was cleaning her teenage son's room when she found an S&M magazine in his closet. She hid it away, and when his father got home, took it out and showed it to him. "What do you think we should do about this?" she asked. The father flipped through a few pages, and said,"Well, I don't think we should spank him."
     
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