New Joke Thread

Discussion in 'New Roundtable' started by red55, Dec 16, 2009.

  1. el005639

    el005639 Err on the side of freedom

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    Heard this from my German Colleagues...
    A mother was making Bratwurst and Sour kruat for her son, before placing the sausage in the pan she cut off both ends of the sausage. The son asked why did she always cut off the ends of the sausage before cooking, the mother stated she did not know, but that her mother always did,
    So the son call his grand mother and ask the same question, to which she replied i don't know its the way my mother always did it.
    So the son call his great grand mother and ask why do we cut of the ends of the sausage before cooking. To which the ol lady stated...
    I cant believe you are still using my tiny frying pan...
     
    HalloweenRun likes this.
  2. Bengal B

    Bengal B Founding Member

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    unknowncomic ‏@unknowncomic 18h18 hours ago
    God gave women "Nipples"... to make "Suckers" out of Men.



    1. 4:32 PM - 7 May 2016
      unknowncomic ‏@unknowncomic 23h23 hours ago
      I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter. (Steven Wright)

      2 retweets7 likes


    2. 11:24 AM - 7 May 2016

      [​IMG]unknowncomic ‏@unknowncomic May 7
      I wonder if all Canadians are "eh-sexual"...? (Erica Rhodes)

      1 retweet1 like


    3. 9:08 AM - 7 May 2016
      [​IMG]unknowncomic ‏@unknowncomic May 7
      I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof. (Rodney Dangerfield)

      1 retweet4 likes


    4. 7:22 AM - 7 May 2016
      [​IMG]unknowncomic ‏@unknowncomic May 7
      My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one. (Groucho Marx)

      0 retweets2 likes


    5. 8:55 PM - 6 May 2016
      [​IMG]unknowncomic ‏@unknowncomic May 6
      I need addresses... Starting tomorrow, I'm going to hand deliver all my tweets.

      1 retweet3 likes


    6. 5:59 PM - 6 May 2016

      [​IMG]unknowncomic ‏@unknowncomic May 6
      Don't forget to buy your mother Booze for Mothers day... Remember, you're the reason she drinks.

      9 retweets7 likes


    7. 1:17 PM - 6 May 2016
      [​IMG]unknowncomic ‏@unknowncomic May 6
      When someone says to me, "Great minds think alike.."... I always say to them, "You nasty bastard."
     
  3. Bengal B

    Bengal B Founding Member

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    GiantDuckFan and HalloweenRun like this.
  4. mctiger

    mctiger closet claustrophic Staff Member

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    Harvard University decided to conduct a study to determine why the head of a man's penis is larger in circumference than the shaft. They spent $350,000 and determined that it heightens sexual pleasure for the man. Stanford University was skeptical. They spent $450,000 and determined that it heightens sexual pleasure for the female. Then the University of Alabama decided to conduct its own study. They spent $14 on a Hustler and a 6-pack of Old Milwaukee and determined that it prevents the man from accidentally punching himself in the face.
     
  5. HalloweenRun

    HalloweenRun I'll try to be nicer, if you try to be smarter!

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    Ed and Carolyn met while on a singles cruise and Ed fell head over heels for her.

    When they discovered they lived in the same city only a few miles apart Ed was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home.

    Within a couple of weeks, Ed had taken Carolyn to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies, and museums. Ed became convinced that Carolyn was indeed his soul mate and true love. Every date seemed better than the last.

    On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship, Ed took Carolyn to a fine restaurant. While having cocktails and waiting for their salad, Ed said, "I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you. I'd like a little serious talk before our relationship continues to the next stage. So, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life changing question, it's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut. I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf. If that's going to be a problem for us, you'd better say so now!"

    Carolyn took a deep breath and responded, "Ed, that certainly won't be a problem. I love you as you are and I love golf too; but, since we're being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for the last five years I've been a hooker."

    Ed said, "I bet it's because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball.
     
  6. mctiger

    mctiger closet claustrophic Staff Member

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    A man and his young son walk into a cafe. The boy is holding a quarter. Suddenly the boy turns blue and starts choking, and the father realizes he swallowed the quarter. The father panics and begins calling for help.

    Across the cafe, a well-dressed, serious looking woman is having coffee. She hears the call, and calmly takes another sip of coffee, wipes her mouth on a napkin, neatly folds the napkin, then gets up and walks to the boy. Without hesitation she pulls down the boy's pants, grabs his testicles and gently squeezes, but gradually begins increasing the pressure. After a moment, the boy coughs up the quarter, which the women deftly catches and hands to the shocked father.

    "Thank you so much!" he exclaims. "Though I must admit, I've never seen that technique. Are you a doctor?" The woman replies, "No. Divorce attorney."
     
  7. mctiger

    mctiger closet claustrophic Staff Member

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    Three petroleum engineers are working in Saudi Arabia. One is a graduate of LSU, one is an Auburn grad and one graduated from Alabama. Being typical Southern good ole' boys, all had smuggled alcohol with them, despite knowing it is illegal in Saudi. One night as they shared a drink, the Saudi police burst in and arrested them. All were rushed through trial, found guilty and sentenced to 20 lashes the next day, which happened to be the 4th of July.

    The three were brought to the courtyard for punishment, and the officer in charge said,"Because today is your nation's birthday, I will grant each of you a request before sentence is carried out." He pointed to the Auburn grad, who asked that a pillow be tied to his back for the lashings. It was done, but by the 10th lash, the pillow was destroyed, and 10 lashes later the Plainsman was dragged away in agony.

    Next was the 'Bama boy, who asked that 2 pillows be tied to his back. This was done, but by the 14th lash, the whip had cut through both pillows, and the gump was taken away in terrible pain.

    Finally, the Tiger was brought up. "What is your request?" He said, "Tie the gump to my back."
     
  8. HalloweenRun

    HalloweenRun I'll try to be nicer, if you try to be smarter!

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    Two old guys sitting on a bench. The 87-year-old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath. The 80-year-old was amazed at the guy's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy. The 87-year-old said, "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."

    On the way home the 80-year-old stopped at the bakery. As he was looking around, the saleslady asked if he needed any help. He said, "Do you have any rye bread?" She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?" He said, "I want five loaves."

    She said, "My goodness, five loaves! By the time you get to the third loaf, it'll be hard."

    He replied, "I can't believe everybody knows about this but me."
     
  9. mctiger

    mctiger closet claustrophic Staff Member

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    An Italian, a Frenchman and an American are discussing their sexual prowess. The Italian says,"the other night, I massaged my wife with light, extra virgin olive oil. Then we made love and I made her scream for 5 minutes straight." The Frenchman said,"You are an amateur. The other night, I massaged my wife with special French passion oil. Then we made love and I made her scream non-stop for 15 minutes." The American said,"That's nothing. The other night I rubbed my wife down with just plain old melted butter. Then we made love and I made her scream for 2 straight hours." The others said,"How is that possible?" The American said,"Easy. When the sex was done, I wiped my hands off on the curtains."
     
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  10. mctiger

    mctiger closet claustrophic Staff Member

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    A man comes home to find his wife of 10 years packing a suitcase. He asks where she's going, and she's says,"I'm leaving you. I just found out women in Las Vegas can get $500 a night for doing what I do for you for free." He thinks about this a moment, then pulls out a suitcase and begins packing his own clothes. "Where are you going?" she says. He says,"I'm going with you. You can show me how to live on a thousand dollars a year."
     

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