New Joke Thread ... it's time for one

Discussion in 'New Roundtable' started by red55, Dec 13, 2006.

  1. bayareatiger

    bayareatiger If it's too loud YOU'RE TOO OLD

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    A man contacts Dr. Phil, says he's got a problem that he needs help with.

    Dr. Phil asks him "So what's the problem?"

    The man says, "So I was taking care of a few things in my bedroom last week and as I peered out of my second story window I happened to notice that my next door neighbor's 18 year old daughter was sunbathing in the nude."

    "Naturally, I found this exciting and decided to take matters in my own hand, to coin a phrase. As I began to reach the inevitable finale, I noticed out of the corner of my eye that my wife was standing in the doorway watching me, with her arms crossed, and she was shooting me an angry glare."

    Dr. Phil asks, "So, what's the issue sir?"

    The man says, "It's about my wife. Is she a pervert?"
     
  2. KyleK

    KyleK Who, me? Staff Member

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    Just got this via email today:


    One foggy night, an LSU fan was heading north and an Alabama fan was driving south. While crossing a narrow bridge, they hit each other head-on, mangling both cars.

    The Alabama fan manages to climb out of his car and survey the damage. He looks at his twisted car and says, “Man, I’m lucky to be alive!”

    Likewise, the LSU fan gets out of his car uninjured, he too feeling fortunate to have survived.

    The Alabama fan walks over to the LSU fan and says, “Hey, man, I think this is a sign that we should put away our petty differences and live as friends instead of being rivals.”

    The LSU fan thinks for a moment and says, “You know, you’re absolutely right! We should be friends. In fact, I’m going to see if something else survived the wreck.”

    The LSU fan then pops open his trunk and removes a full, undamaged bottle of Jack Daniel’s. He says to the Alabama fan, “I think this is another sign- we should toast to our newfound friendship.” The Alabama fan agrees and grabs the bottle. After sucking down half of the bottle, the Alabama fan hands it back to the LSU fan and says, “Your turn!”

    The LSU fan calmly twists the cap back on the bottle, throws the rest of the bottle over the bridge into the river and says, “Nah, I think I’ll just wait for the cops to show up.”
     
    1 person likes this.
  3. red55

    red55 curmudgeon Staff Member

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    A drunken man is driving through the city of Dublin and his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over.

    “So,” says the cop to the driver, “where have you been?“

    “I’ve been to the pub,” slurs the drunk.

    “Well,” says the cop, “it looks like you’ve had quite a few.”

    “I did all right,” the drunk says with a smile.

    “Did you know,” says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms, “that a few miles back, your wife fell out of your car?”

    “Oh, thank heavens,” sighs the man. “For a minute there, I thought I’d gone deaf.”
     
  4. shane0911

    shane0911 Helping lost idiots find their village Staff Member

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    :hihi::hihi::hihi:
     
  5. pepe lepew

    pepe lepew what's that smell......??

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    what, wait, what ..........:hihi::hihi::hihi:
     
  6. KyleK

    KyleK Who, me? Staff Member

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    “The last time a Tiger took a beating like that, there was a blonde swinging a golf club.”
     
  7. Bengal B

    Bengal B Founding Member

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    That is NOT funny :dis::(:rolleye33:
     
  8. shane0911

    shane0911 Helping lost idiots find their village Staff Member

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    The hell it isn't, wish I had thought of it.
     
  9. red55

    red55 curmudgeon Staff Member

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    A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00. "Why so little," she asked the pet store owner.

    The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."

    The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.

    The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New f**king house, new f**king madam." The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's not so bad."

    When her two teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw them and said, "New f**king house, new f**king madam, new f**king whores"

    The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation. Moments later, the woman's husband, Keith, came home from work.

    The bird looked at him and said, "Hi Keith."
     
  10. rachellsu01

    rachellsu01 Im gone people, its been fun

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    :rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl:
     

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