New Joke Thread ... it's time for one

Discussion in 'New Roundtable' started by red55, Dec 13, 2006.

  1. red55

    red55 curmudgeon Staff Member

    Joined:
    Oct 21, 2002
    Messages:
    45,195
    Likes Received:
    8,733
    At dawn the telephone rings, "Hello, Senor Rod? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house."

    "Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"

    "Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your parrot, he is dead".

    "My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"

    "Si, Senor, that's the one."

    "Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?"

    "From eating the rotten meat, Senor Rod."

    "Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"

    "Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse. "

    "Dead horse? What dead horse?"

    "The thoroughbred, Senor Rod."

    "My prize thoroughbred is dead?"

    "Yes, Senor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart."

    "Are you insane? What water cart?"

    "The one we used to put out the fire, Senor."

    "Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"

    "The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."

    "What the hell? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?!"

    "Yes, Senor Rod."

    "But there's electricity at the house! What was the candle for?"

    "For the funeral, Senor Rod."

    "WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!"

    "Your wife's, Senor Rod". She showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Ping G15 204g titanium head golf club with the TFC 149D graphite shaft."

    SILENCE........... LONG SILENCE.........VERY LONG SILENCE.

    "Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in deep ****."
     
  2. Swerved

    Swerved It appears my hypocrisy knows no bounds.

    Joined:
    Nov 24, 2003
    Messages:
    4,116
    Likes Received:
    1,226
    Ok...

    A married couple took a vacation to go play golf for a week, which in itself is a joke since most men play golf to get away from their wives, but I digress..

    Anyway, they were at the second hole and it was her turn to drive. It was a beautiful stroke as far as distance goes, but she sliced it and it curved over the trees and into the picture window of a huge mansion at the country club, not far off the green.

    The husband looks at her and says "Well, I suppose we should go offer to make good on this, it's going to cost a butt load of money though"... So the couple walk up to the house and knock. Nobody answers, but they notice the door is slightly ajar, so the decide to enter.

    As they walked through the front corridor, they were amazed by this place. It was practically littered with ancient artifacts that someone had been painstakingly collecting. Each item looked to be priceless. When they got to the living room, they noticed a pile of broken, very very old, glass on the floor beneath the mantle. Also, they noticed a rather large dark-complected naked man holding a golf ball.

    They were startled and started to leave, but the man quickly began telling them who he was and why he was standing there naked.. "I'm a genie that's been trapped inside that forsaken bottle for nearly 5,000 years!!", the man said. "Then you hit and broke the bottle with your ball and set me free; I'm eternally grateful for your deed and I'm obligated to grant you 3 wishes"...

    The husband spoke up quickly, "OK... First, I want to be filthy stinking rich... really rich.". The genie nodded and said, "Consider it done. When you wake tomorrow you will be the richest man in the land. What else?"..

    "Second, I want a huge yacht.. As long as a football field and with a swimming pool filled with champagne".. The genie points out the window down to the bay at a yacht almost perfectly matching that description and says, "Like that boat? It's yours now.".. What else?

    "A lifetime membership to this country club for free, and tee time whenever want, no matter when it is.".. The genie again nods confidently, and says "Your wish is my command."..

    The husband was full of excitement and ready to leave with his wife when the genie stopped him. "Master, if you don't mind, I have a favor to ask of you"... "You've already done quite enough for me by freeing me, but I've been in that bottle for 5,000 years and in all that time I've longed for a woman's touch. I find your wife to be very attractive and I was just wondering if you could be so kind as to ask her to cater to my ... needs"..

    The husband was livid at first, but then realized he was now filthy rich with a yacht and a lifetime membership to the golf course. And on top of that his wife was indeed amazingly attractive, so he considered himself a fortunate man, indeed.. He talked it over with his wife and she agreed that it was the least they could do in return. The husband walked outside and told his wife he'd be waiting for her on the green.

    Later, as the genie and the man's wife are done and laying in bed panting and staring at the ceiling she says, "My goodness, I can't believe I'm filthy rich now."

    The genie cracks a sly smile at her and says, "And I can't believe you and your husband still believe in genies..."
     
  3. wjray

    wjray .-.. ..- -.- .

    Joined:
    Oct 23, 2005
    Messages:
    1,313
    Likes Received:
    535
    Since we're on golf jokes:

    A man and wife were playing golf on an old country course. The man shanks a shot that ends up just outside of an old barn.

    Figuring the only way to save any sort of score on the hole was to play through the barn, he and his wife opened both sets of doors. The man addresses the ball and whacks away. The ball hits a rafter, ricochets back through the door, smacks the wife on the head and kills her.

    A year or so later, the guy is playing the same hole on the same course with a buddy and hits the exact same shot.

    This time, he lines up to play around the barn when his buddy says, "Wouldn't it make more sense to just open the doors and play through it?"

    "Not on your life!" the man roars. "Why, do you know what happened last time I did that?"

    "No, what?" his buddy asks.

    "I shot a seven."
     
  4. KyleK

    KyleK Who, me? Staff Member

    Joined:
    Oct 29, 2007
    Messages:
    8,855
    Likes Received:
    2,959
    A preacher tells his congregation, "Anyone with 'special needs' who wants to be prayed over, please come forward to the front by the altar."

    With that, Leroy got in line, and when it was his turn, the Preacher asked, "Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?"

    Leroy replied, "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing."

    The preacher put one finger of one hand in Leroy's ear, placed his other hand on top of Leroy's head, and then prayed and prayed and prayed. He prayed a "blue streak" for Leroy, and the whole congregation joined in with great enthusiasm.


    After a few minutes, the preacher removed his hands, stood back and asked, "Leroy, how is your hearing now?"

    Leroy answered, "I don't know. It ain't 'til next week."
     
    2 people like this.
  5. OkieTigerTK

    OkieTigerTK Tornado Alley

    Joined:
    Jan 3, 2005
    Messages:
    18,000
    Likes Received:
    1,286
    this was one of many "dear so and so" jokes i received. but given i just dont understand why women like "twilight"....



    Dear Twilight fans,

    Please realize that because vampires are dead and have no blood
    pumping through them, they can never get an erection.

    Enjoy fantasizing about that.

    Sincerely,

    Logic
     
  6. stevescookin

    stevescookin Certified Who Dat

    Joined:
    Nov 18, 2008
    Messages:
    10,218
    Likes Received:
    3,033
    I just had my first Osama Bin Laden cocktail...Two shots and a splash !!
     
  7. stevescookin

    stevescookin Certified Who Dat

    Joined:
    Nov 18, 2008
    Messages:
    10,218
    Likes Received:
    3,033
    Boudreaux, the Cajun

    Boudreaux, the smoothest-talking Cajun in the Louisiana National Guard, got called up to active duty. Boudreaux's first assignment was to a military induction center, and because he was a good talker, was assigned the duty of advising new recruits about government benefits, especially the GI insurance to which they were entitled.

    Before long, the Captain in charge of the induction center began noticing that Boudreaux was getting a 99% signup rate for the more expensive supplemental form of GI insurance. This was odd, because it would cost these low-income recruits $30 per month more for the higher coverage, compared to what the government was already providing at no charge. The Captain decided that he would not ask Boudreaux directly about his
    selling techniques, but instead he would sit in the back of the room at the next briefing and observe Boudreaux's sales pitch.

    Boudreaux stood up before the latest group of inductees and said, 'If you got da normal GI inshoranse an' you go to Iraq an' git yoself kilt, da governmen' gonna pay you beneficiary $20,000. If you take out da supplemental inshoranse, which cost you only t'irty dollar a mont , den da governmen' gotta pay you beneficiary $200,000.' 'NOW,' Boudreaux concluded, 'which bunch you tink dey gonna send ta Iraq furst?

     
    1 person likes this.
  8. lsu99

    lsu99 whashappenin

    Joined:
    Oct 24, 2001
    Messages:
    3,015
    Likes Received:
    343
    This joke worked better around 2006 or so when the thread began:

    Who's the opposite of Christopher Reeve?

















    Christopher Walken
     
  9. pepe lepew

    pepe lepew what's that smell......??

    Joined:
    Jan 16, 2011
    Messages:
    82
    Likes Received:
    11
    An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake...
    He finds his way to a barstool and orders a beer. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

    The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

    The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
    The bouncer is a blonde girl.
    I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
    The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
    The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

    'Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?'

    The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, 'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'
     
  10. pepe lepew

    pepe lepew what's that smell......??

    Joined:
    Jan 16, 2011
    Messages:
    82
    Likes Received:
    11
    Guy goes to the Dr. and is worried about a little bump on his forehead.
    The dr. looks it over and says" yes, I have seen this before, that bump is going to grow into a penis."

    The man screams in disbelief," WHAT? Doc, you mean I am going to have to wake up every morning, look in the mirror and see a big cock growing out of my forehead?!"

    "Oh no, you don't have to worry about that", the doctor replied." "The testicles will cover up your eyes."
     

Share This Page