New Joke Thread ... it's time for one

Discussion in 'New Roundtable' started by red55, Dec 13, 2006.

  1. KyleK

    KyleK Who, me? Staff Member

    Oct 29, 2007
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    I met a fairy today who said she would grant me one wish.
    "I want to live forever," I said.

    "Sorry" said the fairy, "I'm not allowed to grant wishes like that!"
    "Fine," I said, "I want to die after the Democrats get their heads out of their asses!"

    "You crafty bastard," said the fairy.
  2. red55

    red55 curmudgeon Staff Member

    Oct 21, 2002
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    The Sheriff in a small town walks out in the street and sees a blonde cowboy coming down the walk with nothing on but his cowboy hat, gun, and his boots, so he arrests him for indecent exposure.

    As he is locking him up, he asks "Why in the world are you dressed like this?"

    The Cowboy says, "Well it's like this Sheriff .. I was in the bar down the road and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her ranch with her. So I did."

    "We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt ... so I did."

    "Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants ... so I did."

    "Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my drawers .. so I did."

    Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, "Now go to town cowboy... ".

    And here I am.

    Son of a Gun, Blonde men do exist.
  3. DJM136

    DJM136 fubar 24/7

    Oct 23, 2006
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    Donald Duck and Daisy Duck were spending the night together in a hotel room and Donald wanted to have sex with Daisy.

    The first thing Daisy asked was, "Do you have a condom?"

    Donald frowned and said, "No."

    Daisy told Donald that if he didn't get a condom, they could not have sex.

    "Maybe they sell them at the front desk," she suggested.

    So Donald went down to the lobby and asked the hotel clerk if they had condoms.

    "Yes, we do," the clerk said and pulled a box out from under the counter and gave it to Donald.

    The clerk asked, "Would you like me to put them on your bill?"

    "Thit No!" Donald quacked, "I'll thuffocate!"
  4. Texas_Tiger

    Texas_Tiger Tiger Stuck in Aggie Land

    Aug 30, 2009
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    A German, a Japanese and a American sitting in a bar start bragging about their respective countries.

    The German starts by telling the others "In my country we took the heart out of a pig and transplanted it to a man, and within 6 weeks he was out looking for a job"

    The Japanese replies by saying " In my country we took the brain from a man and transplanted it to another man, and within 4 weeks he was up and looking for a job".

    The American says "That's nothing, In my country we took a a$*hole out of Chicago and moved him to Washington DC, and 6 months later everyone was looking for a job!:rofl:
    BayouBengal014 and shane0911 like this.
  5. red55

    red55 curmudgeon Staff Member

    Oct 21, 2002
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    I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
  6. shane0911

    shane0911 Helping lost idiots find their village Staff Member

    Jan 11, 2005
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    Here is a good one,

    So barry o wants to take away the ability to deduct mortgage interest on your taxes. Hahaha man that barry.

    Oh wait, thats not a joke:eek:
  7. CajunPunk

    CajunPunk TF's Resident Realist

    Dec 3, 2005
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    Okay, I got one. Here it goes...

    Les Miles.

  8. Darth

    Darth Dark Lord of the SEC

    Oct 10, 2008
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    Three old ladys were sitting side by side in there retirement home reminiscing. The first lady recalled shopping at the green grocers and demonstrated with her hands, the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a penny.
    The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper also, and demonstrated the size of to big onions she could buy for a penny a piece.
    The third old lady remarked,"I can't hear a word you're saying, but i remember the guy you're talking about.
  9. LSUTigerDad

    LSUTigerDad 2009 Pick Em Champ

    Jan 8, 2007
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    I Love this Truck

    I bought a new Ford F250 Tri-Flex Fuel Truck
    Go figure it runs on either hydrogen, gasoline, or E85.
    I returned to the dealer yesterday
    Because I couldn't get the radio to work…
    The service technician explained that the radio was voice activated.

    'Nelson,' the technician said to the radio.
    The radio replied, 'Ricky or Willie?'

    'Willie!' he continued and 'On The Road Again'
    Came from the speakers.

    Then he said, 'Ray Charles!', and in an instant
    ' Georgia On My Mind' replaced Willie Nelson.

    I drove away happy, and for the next few days,
    Every time I'd say, 'Beethoven,'
    I'd get beautiful classical music, and if I said,
    'Beatles,' I'd get one of their awesome songs.

    Yesterday, some guy ran a red light
    And nearly creamed my new truck,
    But I swerved in time to avoid him.

    I yelled, you "@#$ Hole!"
    Immediately the radio responded with,

    Ladies and gentlemen,
    The President of The
    United States

    "Damn, I love this truck"....
  10. red55

    red55 curmudgeon Staff Member

    Oct 21, 2002
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    Two guys are walking through the woods and come across this big hole.
    "Wow . . . that looks deep." "Sure does . . . toss a few pebbles in there and see how deep it is."

    They pick up a few pebbles and throw them in and wait . . . no noise.

    "Man. That is REALLY deep . . . here . . . throw one of these great big rocks down there. Those should make a noise."

    They pick up a couple football-sized rocks and toss them into the hole and wait . . . and wait. Nothing. They look at each other in amazement.

    One gets a determined look on his face and says, "Hey . . . over here in the weeds, there's a railroad tie. Help me carry it over here. When we toss that sucker in, it's GOTTA make some noise."

    The two drag the heavy tie over to the hole and heave it in. Not a sound comes from the hole. Suddenly, out of the nearby woods, a goat appears, running like the wind. It rushes toward the two men, then right past them, running as fast as it's legs will carry it. Suddenly it leaps in the air and into the hole.

    The two men are astonished with what they've just seen . . . Then, out of the woods comes a farmer who spots the men and ambles over.

    "Hey . . . you two guys seen my goat out here?"

    "You bet we did! Craziest thing I ever seen! It came running like crazy and just jumped into this hole!"

    "Nah", say the farmer, "That couldn't have been MY goat. My goat was chained to a railroad tie."

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