Special gift An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him. The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special." At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler said. The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it." The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated by check. "I know you need to make sure the check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank on Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said. Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account." "I know", said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?"
two guys are hunting,.. one of them suddenly collapses,.. the other calls 911,.. "help, my buddy had a heart attack, i think he's dead",.. "Sir, you must remain calm, first thing you need to do is make sure he's dead".. "ok" .. :gunshot: .. "now what?"
After two straight weeks on the road, a trucker pulls up at a brothel. He walks in, slaps $500 on the desk and tells the madam, "I want your ugliest girl and a grilled cheese sandwich." She says, "Sir, for that kind of money you can have one of my prettiest girls and a 3-course meal!" The trucker says, "You don't understand, I'm not horny, I'm homesick."
A newly married couple get into bed on their wedding night. The bride says,"Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin." The groom says, "How is that possible? Didn't you say you've been married three times before?" "Yes," the bride replies. "My first husband was a gynecologist, and all he wanted to do was look at it. My second husband was a psychiatrist, and all he wanted to do was talk about it." "And the third husband?" "He was a stamp collector."
The captain of a warship is scanning the horizon and sees an enemy ship approaching. He knows combat is imminent so he calls a young seaman over and tells him to go to the captain’s cabin and get a red shirt. The seaman asks "Why." The captain tells him with a red shirt if he gets wounded the crew will not see him bleed. Upon the seaman’s return, the captain puts on his red shirt. He then scans the horizon again. This time he sees 12 additional enemy ships sailing toward him. He looks around, calls the seaman over and tells him to go back to his cabin and get his brown pants!
An airliner is taxiing for a flight to Toronto when an attractive blonde sitting in economy gets up and takes a seat in first class. A stewardess walks up and tells her to return to her seat, but the woman replies, "No. I'm blonde and beautiful, I'm going to Toronto and I'm flying first class." The stewardess goes to the cockpit and reports the situation. The captain goes back and orders the woman back to economy, but she repeats, "I'm blonde and beautiful, I'm going to Toronto and I'm flying first class." The captain goes back to the cockpit, where the copilot says, "I'll handle it. I'm married to a blonde and I speak the language." He goes back and whispers in the woman's ear, and she says, "Oh! I'm sorry," and goes back to her seat in economy. The stewardess asks the copilot, "What did you tell her?" He says, "I just told her first class wasn't going to Toronto."
A russian runs up to a nun and says "Sister, please may I hide under your dress, it is a dire emergency I'll explain later" The nun says sure and under the dress he goes. Moments later a couple of police approach the nun and ask if she has seen the man. She points and says "he went that way" and off they go. The russian crawls out and says "Sister thank you so much, I did not want to go to Ukraine" She in turn says "eh no problem sonny" The russian adds, "Sister, I have to say, you have a great pair of legs" to which she replies "If you'd look a little higher you'd have seen a great pair of balls, I didn't want to go to Ukraine either"
Yesterday I bought a thesaurus. When I got it home I realized the pages were entirely blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
Here’s some red meat for all you MAGA guys! A man walked into a store and told the cashier, "I’d like a hamburger and a scoop of ice cream." The clerk looked at him and said, "Are you an American?" The man, clearly offended, said, "Well yes I am." But let me ask you something. If I had asked for fried chicken and watermelon, would you ask me if I was black? Or if I had asked for a cheese crisp would you ask me if I was Mexican? The clerk said, "Well, no, I guess not." "Well, all right then, why did you ask me if I’m an American just because I asked for a hamburger and a scoop of ice cream?" The clerk replied, "Because this is Home Depot Mr. President."
Still reading Geddy Lee's memoir, here's a gag he shares that was told to him by Live Aid organizer Bob Geldof: A group of adventurers decide they want to see the Amazon rain forest, so they provision up, hire a native guide and off they go. On the first night, as they set up camp, they hear drums in the distance. "Should we be worried about those drums?" they ask the guide. "No," the guide replied. "Drums are not a problem. Only a problem if you hear the drums stop." This went on for several nights, and each night the guide reassured them, "No problem until the drums stop." One night as they sat around the campfire, the drumming suddenly stopped. Startled, they look at the guide..."Now what?" they ask. The guide looks at them with nervous eyes and says, "Now....bass solo."
