It all depends on timing and temperament. Of all my friends that got married right out of college, only one couple is still together and happy after 30 years and it is very special. But most grew apart as they grew older and had to move on. Myself included, I had a couple of long-term girlfriends (10 years and 6 years) and if we had married we would have ended up divorced. What's harder for me to understand are the couples I know that stay together even though they can barely stand each other. They say that they just don't want to start over, but why would they want to live with that unhappiness? It's a complex thing.
Certainly modern life has advanced far more rapidly than evolutionary processes. From caveman days up until relatively recently a woman HAD to have a husband to protect her and her children from all the dangers of the world, including other men. A man HAD to have a wife to insure that his progeny survived, were nurtured and raised to adulthood while he fought and provided for them. An extended, multi-generational family was a small tribe that was absolutely necessary for survival in a harsh world. Compatibility and happiness were not as important as survival. But modern society largely protects women and children in the absence of an Alpha Male. Likewise single people can survive and thrive without the support of a large tribal/family infrastructure. Compatibility and happiness have risen higher on the priority list. Our advanced minds tell us this, but our ancient human genetic makeup still urges us on a subconscious level to form a family and reproduce as a basic human survival instinct. It often leads us to poor choices in a complex modern world.
I like seeing the cute old couple too, I always think, damn they've probably been through some shit and walked through many fires and "made it" or so it seems.....sort of inspiring......I've learned everyone has their own fires of life, no matter how perfect it may seem on the surface, I guess it's what you make of it and if you have the fortitude to ride it out and rationally deal with your own issues not to mention someone else's. Life is just hard sometimes.
My parents have a truly happy, long-term marriage, and I envy it. They love each other more than they love themselves or anyone else. The only people I love that much are my two daughters. And it makes me sad to have to say that, but it's very true. And the other posts about how hard the world is these days is also true. I can definitely see where not having a mom at home and a dad who is the sole breadwinner is a strain on a family. I work all day, then go home and parent, and it's exhausting. There will not be a night all week when I will have been able to relax at home after work. I was out until 8:30 on Monday, 9:30 on Tuesday, 8:30 last night, and 7 tonight. Being a mom and working is rough (and since my husband's job is currently about 80% travel, I'm a single, working mom (albeit with two incomes).
shit Stacey I can understand that after a big meeting yesterday, I got home cooked dinner, bathe 2 boys , fed them, and got them ready for bed. Stayed up doing taxes and other shit for my own business.
Yep. When both parents have careers to focus on, it's a lot more taxing to go home and be a family in the evening. You also have a lot less time to think about things that you need to plan for. Life begins to happen extremely fast, and it can be awfully frustrating. Ironically, my wife hasn't been able to be SAHM strictly because of her student debt, which I absolutely cannot afford to take on (I have enough of my own). She's always been driven and career-oriented, and that was one of the things that attracted me to her. I can't stand girls who to to school to get their MRS, or who don't get a degree because they're just waiting around for a sugar daddy. Anyway, she never wanted to really be a SAHM, but given the difficulties of our child, we both now wish that she could have been. But she accumulated massive amounts of debt (most of it private, too) getting her education, so that has never been an option. It's a god damn conundrum.
I'm not sure I'd completely like the SAHM role, either. When I was pregnant with my first daughter, I kept hearing people say things like, "I can't work after I have my baby. The daycare costs so much that it doesn't pay to work." That's BS if the person in question has a degree. If you do, you make enough to pay daycare and still have the benefits of a second income. These days? I'm 13 years away from retirement (I wouldn't quit now and forfeit years of hard work), and while I don't need to work (even though my husband disagrees--but really, we absolutely don't need my income), it finances my daugthers' college educations and lots of vacations. And I'm okay with that. Plus, I'm more productive working than I would be if I stayed at home. However, I'd like to still have some energy to work on homework and when shuttling my two kids to after school activities. I simply am worn out. However, I'm sometimes envious of those women whose kids are all in school and yet don't work. On some level, that must be nice--if a little boring. Of course, they are completely dependent on their husbands for income, and that doesn't really appeal to me, either.
Well, now, not necessarily. I suppose we all have a different take. Before I had kids, I earned my MBA and had a very successful career. I made a boat load of money, enjoyed travel and "things", and had all expectation of becoming a CEO. But I wanted children. I had my first and expected to go back to work but when the time came, I couldn't do it. I made a choice and it hasn't been easy. Yes, I get bored. No, I am not completely dependent on anyone else. My "job" starts early, goes all day, I miss most meals, I don't get a paycheck or a performance review (other than a sassy mouth or complaint from the little people), I don't get positive feedback, and I have no idea if my "product" will be a good one until it's probably too late. Believe me I was the least likely to be a SAHM and most of my friends were stunned. But at some point I remembered my experience as a latch key kid and almost never having my mom (or dad) around and I didn't want that for mine. So, I accept my choices and occasionally think about what could have been, including the missed income, and I still know I did the right thing for me. What occasionally crosses my mind is wondering how my children will see me some day. Will it ever be more than the chauffeur, cook, maid, laundress, etc? I said to my son recently, "you know your mom is smart, right?" Although I don't believe he truly gave it much thought, he said, "no, not really". Ouch.
