Joke of the Day

Discussion in 'New Roundtable' started by Luv4LSU, May 31, 2007.

  1. Luv4LSU

    Luv4LSU Founding Member

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    [ame=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T4VXlr6Pt8M&feature=player_embedded]YouTube - BABY ELEPHANT TRUNK PENIS - BUDDY HACKETT[/ame]
     
  2. pepe lepew

    pepe lepew what's that smell......??

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    [FONT=&quot]Top Ten Country &[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot]Western Songs.[/FONT][FONT=&quot]

    [/FONT]
    [FONT=&quot]10. I Hate Every Bone In Her Body But Mine[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
    [/FONT]
    [FONT=&quot] 9. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed With an Ugly Woman But I Woke Up With A Few[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
    [/FONT]
    [FONT=&quot] 8. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It's Me[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
    [/FONT]
    [FONT=&quot] 7. I've Missed You, But My Aim's Improvin'[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
    [/FONT]
    [FONT=&quot] 6. Wouldn't Take Her To A Dogfight 'Cause I'm Scared She'd Win[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
    [/FONT]
    [FONT=&quot] 5. I'm So Miserable Without You It's Like You're Still Here[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
    [/FONT]
    [FONT=&quot] 4. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Miss Him[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
    [/FONT]
    [FONT=&quot] 3.. She Took My Ring and Gave Me the Finger[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
    [/FONT]
    [FONT=&quot] 2. She's Lookin' Better with Every Beer[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
    [/FONT]
    [FONT=&quot]And the Number One Country & Western song is...[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
    [/FONT]
    [FONT=&quot]1. It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night That Chewed My Ass All Day[/FONT]
     
  3. Luv4LSU

    Luv4LSU Founding Member

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    [FONT=&quot]A [/FONT][FONT=&quot]police officer[/FONT][FONT=&quot] pulls over a speeding car. The officer says,'[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot]I clocked you at 80 [/FONT][FONT=&quot]miles per hour[/FONT][FONT=&quot], sir[/FONT][FONT=&quot].

    The driver says, [/FONT]
    [FONT=&quot]'Gee, officer, I had it on [/FONT][FONT=&quot]cruise control[/FONT][FONT=&quot] at 60; perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating[/FONT][FONT=&quot].

    Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: [/FONT]
    [FONT=&quot]'Now don't be silly, [FONT=&quot]dear [/FONT]-- you know that this car doesn't have [/FONT][FONT=&quot]cruise control[/FONT][FONT=&quot].[/FONT][FONT=&quot]

    As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls,[/FONT]

    [FONT=&quot] [/FONT][FONT=&quot]Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once !![/FONT][FONT=&quot] ?[/FONT][FONT=&quot]

    The wife smiles demurely and says, [/FONT]
    [FONT=&quot]Well [FONT=&quot]dear[/FONT] you should be thankful your radardetector went off when it did or your speed would have been higher.[/FONT][FONT=&quot]

    As the officer makes out the [FONT=&quot]second ticket[/FONT] for the [FONT=&quot]illegal[/FONT] [/FONT]
    [FONT=&quot]radar detector unit[/FONT][FONT=&quot], the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth,[/FONT]
    [FONT=&quot]'Woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?[/FONT][FONT=&quot]'

    The officer frowns and says, [/FONT]
    [FONT=&quot]'And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine.[/FONT][FONT=&quot]'

    The driver says, [/FONT]
    [FONT=&quot]'Yeah, well, you see, officer, I had it on, but I took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket.[/FONT][FONT=&quot]'

    The wife says, [/FONT]
    [FONT=&quot]'Now, [FONT=&quot]dear,[/FONT] you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving.[/FONT][FONT=&quot]'

    And as the police officer is writing out the [FONT=&quot]third ticket[/FONT], the driver turns to his wife and barks, [/FONT]
    [FONT=&quot]'W[/FONT][FONT=&quot]ILL[/FONT][FONT=&quot] [/FONT]YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??[FONT=&quot]'[/FONT][FONT=&quot]

    The officer looks over at the woman and asks, [/FONT]
    [FONT=&quot]'Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?[/FONT][FONT=&quot]'

    [FONT=&quot] [/FONT][/FONT]



    [FONT=&quot]'Only when he's been drinking[/FONT] [FONT=&quot].[/FONT]
     
  4. Swerved

    Swerved It appears my hypocrisy knows no bounds.

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    My brother called this one in to WJBO this morning...


    Q: How much cocaine can Charlie Sheen do?































    A: Enough to kill Two and a Half Men.
     
  5. Luv4LSU

    Luv4LSU Founding Member

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    The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.
    Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed.

    The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him." You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Tom must have experienced.

    "Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain."
    We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."

    Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom.

    "Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."

    All the men sighed with unified relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.

    A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, "I'm Tom Smith." The entire congregation held its breath.

    "I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum."
     
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  6. Darth

    Darth Dark Lord of the SEC

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  7. Darth

    Darth Dark Lord of the SEC

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  8. Darth

    Darth Dark Lord of the SEC

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  9. red55

    red55 curmudgeon Staff Member

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    A recent Scottish immigrant attends his first baseball game in his new country, and after a base hit he hears the fans roaring, "Run....run!"

    The next batter connects heavily with the ball and the Scotsman stands up and roars with the crowd in his thick accent, "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-run will ya!"

    A third batter slams a hit and again the Scotsman, obviously pleased with his knowledge of the game, screams, "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run will ya!"

    The next batter holds his swing at three and two and as the ump calls a walk. The Scotsman stands up yelling: "R-r-run ya Bahstard, r-r-run!"

    All the surrounding fans chuckle quietly and he sits down confused. A friendly fan, sensing his embarrassment whispers, "He doesn't have to run, he got four balls."

    The Scotsman yells even louder, "Walk with pr-r-ride man! Walk with pr-r-ride!"
     
  10. Darth

    Darth Dark Lord of the SEC

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