This guy walks into the bedroom carrying a sheep in his arms and says, "Honey, this is the cow I make love to when you have a headache." The wife, laying in the bed reading a book, looks up and says, "If you weren't such an idiot, you'd know that's a sheep, not a cow." The guy replies, "If you weren't such a presumptuous bitch, you'd realize I was talking to the sheep."
Jiminy Christmas! If that had been my kid, the video would have ended with me shipping him off to a military school!
Jack wakes up at home with a huge hangover he can't believe. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Jack looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when He sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror, and notices a note on the table: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping, --Love you!" He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son...what happened last night?" "Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door." "So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?" His son replies, "Oh THAT!... Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, lady, I'm married!" Broken furniture - $85.26 Hot Breakfast - $4.20 Red Rose bud -$3.00 Two Aspirins -$.38 Saying the right thing, at the right time.........Priceless.
Just watched this. I've never gotten so pissed off to wanna shove a remote up my pooper. I don't think canceling that account was the height of his problems :dis:
General Cosgrove (Australian Army) was interviewed on an Australian radio station recently. The General was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military headquarters. FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Cosgrove, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base? GENERAL COSGROVE: We’re going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting. FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That’s a bit irresponsible, isn’t it? GENERAL COSGROVE: I don’t see why, they’ll be properly supervised on the rifle range. FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don’t you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children? GENERAL COSGROVE: I don’t see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm. FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you’re equipping them to become violent killers. GENERAL COSGROVE: Well, Ma’am, you’re equipped to be a prostitute, but you’re not one, are you? The radio went silent and the interview ended.
