A lady walks into Tiffany's. She browses around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely she inadvertently breaks wind. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't pop up right now. As she turns around, her worst nightmare materializes in the form of a salesman standing right behind her. Cool as a cucumber and displaying complete professionalism, the salesman greets the lady with, "Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?" Very uncomfortably, but hoping that the salesman may just not have been there at the time of her little 'accident', she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely bracelet?" He answers, "Madam, if you farted just looking at it, you're going to **** when I 'll tell you the price."
Stock Market Quote of the Week: “This is worse than a divorce; I’ve lost half my net worth and I still have a wife.”
Ok, another one emailed to me and I can't pass it up... Are you a Democrat, Republican, or a Redneck ? Here is a little test that will help you decide. The answer can be found by posing the following question: You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, an IslamicTerrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises the knife, and charges at you. You are carrying a Kimber 1911 cal. 45 ACP, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do? Democrat's Answer: Well, that's not enough information to answer the question! Does the man look poor or oppressed? Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack? Could we run away? What does my wife think? What about the kids? Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand? What does the law say about this situation? Does the pistol have appropriate safety built into it? Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children? Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me? Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me? If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me? Should I call 9-1-1? Why is this street so deserted? We need to raise taxes, have paint and weed day and make this happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior. This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends for few days and try to come to a consensus. Republican's Answer: BANG! Redneck's Answer: BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG ! Click... (Sounds of reloading) BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! Click Daughter: 'Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips or Hydra shocks?! ' Son: 'Can I shoot the next one?!' Wife: 'You ain't taking that to the taxidermist'
My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?" "No," she answered. I then said, "Is that your final answer?" She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes." So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend." And then the fight started....
That will usually do it. Mine told me she lost 10 lbs. I said "look behind you and you will find them" Then my fight started.:lol:
A Somalian arrives in Minneapolis as a new immigrant to the United States . He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, 'Thank you Mr. American for letting me in this country, giving me housing, food stamps, free medical care, and free education!' The passerby says, 'You are mistaken, I am Mexican.' The man goes on and encounters another passerby. 'Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in America !' The person says, 'I not American, I Vietnamese. ' The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says, 'Thank you for the wonderful America !' That person puts up his hand and says, 'I am from Pakistan , I am not American!' He finally sees a nice lady and asks, 'Are you an American?' She says, 'No, I am from Africa !' Puzzled, he asks her, 'Where are all the Americans?' The lady checks her watch and says... 'Probably at work!!!!!!!
A man boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde, female crew member to take care of the box for him. She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator. He pointedly advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for the crabs staying frozen, He mentioned that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out. Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior. Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans , please raise your hand?" Not one hand went up ... so she took them home and ate them. Two lessons here: 1. Men never learn. 2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most men think.
The Pentagon recently found it had too many generals and offered an early retirement bonus. They promised any general who retired straight away his full annual benefits plus $10,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points on the general's body, with the general getting to select any pair of points he wished. The first man, an Air Force general, accepted. He asked the pension man to measure from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. Six feet. He walked out with a check of $720,000. The second man, an Army general, asked them to measure from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. Eight feet. He walked out with a check for $960,000. When the third general, a grizzled old Marine, was asked where to measure, he told the pension man: "From the tip of my penis to the bottom of my testicles." The pension man suggested that perhaps the Marine general might like to reconsider, pointing out the nice checks the previous two generals had received. The Marine insisted and the pension expert said that would be fine but that he'd better get the medical officer to do the measuring. The medical officer attended and asked the general to drop 'em. He did. The medical officer placed the tape on the tip of the general's penis and began to work back. "My God!" he said, "Where are your testicles?" The general replied, "In Vietnam."
A hooker that lives with her "retired" hooker grandmother and "retired" hooker mother came home sad one day. The mother said, "what's wrong, honey?" The young hooker told her mother, "it was a slow night and I only made $300.00. The hooker mother said, "that's better than a slow day when I was your age. Back then a slow night was $50.00 and not get hounded by the police." The old hooker grandmother said, "that's nothing. In my day we were just lucky to have something warm in our stomachs."
The New Diet Yesterday I was buying a 2 large bags of Purina dog chow at > Wal-Mart, for my dogs > Winston, Chief, Gus, and Maximus. I was about to check out > when a woman behind me > asked if I had a dog. What did she think, that I had an > elephant? > Since I had little else to do, on impulse, I told her that > no, I didn't > have a dog, and that I was starting the Purina Diet again, > although I > probably shouldn't because I ended up in the hospital > last time. On the > bright side though, I'd lost 50 pounds before I > awakened in an intensive > care ward with tubes coming out of every hole in my body > and IVs in both > arms. > > I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that > the way > that it works is to load y our pockets with Purina > nuggets20and simply eat one > or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is > nutritionally > complete so I was going to try it again. (I have to mention > here that > practically everyone in the line was enthralled with my > story by now.) > > Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care > because the dog food > had poisoned me. I told her no; I had stopped in the middle > of the parking lot to lick my butt and a car hit me. > > I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart > attack, he was laughing so hard! > WAL-MART won't let me shop there anymore.
