Q: How much is a sandwich at the USC cafeteria?





















A: The sandwich is free but the mayo is $200,000

Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?"

"Yes. What can I do for you?"
"I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Virgil Smith...he's hidin' Marijuana inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets it inside them Logs, but he's hidin' it there."

"Thank you very much for the call, sir."

The next day, the Sheriff's Deputies descend on Virgil's house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept. Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana.

They Sneer at Virgil and leave.

Shortly, the phone rings at Virgil's house.

"Hey, Virgil! This here's Floyd....Did the Sheriff come?"

"Yeah!" "Did they chop yer firewood?"

"Yep!"
"Happy Birthday, buddy!"
(Rednecks know how to git-R-dun).

$7 SEX

A Florida couple, both well into their 80s, go to a sex
therapist's
office.

The doctor asks, "What can I do for
you?"

The man says, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"

The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such
an
elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees. When
the
couple finishes, the doctor says, "There's absolutely nothing
wrong

with the way you have intercourse .. "
He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck. He charges

them

$50 and he says good bye.

The next week, the couple returns and asks the sex therapist to
watch
again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees. This
happens
several weeks in a row.

The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no
problems,
pays the doctor, then leaves.

Finally, after 3 months of this routine, the doctor says, "I'm
sorry,
but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?"

The man says, "We're not trying to find out
anything. She's
married
and we can't go to her house. I'm married and
we can't go to my house.
The Holiday Inn charges $98. The Hilton charges $139. We do it
here
for $50, and I get $43 back from Medicare.

not to mention doctor patient confidentiallity. :rofl::rofl::rofl:

not really a joke, more of a media release:

Big Brown just signed a deal with UPS do become their spokeshorse.

Dick Cheney and George W. Bush are having breakfast at the White House.
The attractive waitress asks Cheney what he would like, and he replies, 'I'd
like a bowl of oatmeal and some fruit.


'And what can I get for you, Mr. President?'


George W. looks up from his menu and replies with his trademark wink and slight grin, 'How about a quickie this morning?'


'Why, Mr. President!' the waitress exclaims, 'How rude! You're starting to act
like President Clinton,' and the waitress storms away.





Cheney leans over to Bush and whispers.... 'It's pronounced 'quiche'.

Sent to me in email today:

HOW TO SAVE THE AIRLINES
>
>
> Dump the male flight attendants. No one wanted them in the first
> place.
>
> Replace all the female flight attendants with good-looking
> strippers! What the hell -- They don't even serve food anymore, so
> what's the loss?
>
> The strippers would at least triple the alcohol sales and get a
> 'party atmosphere' going in the cabin. And, of course, every
> businessman in this country would start flying again, hoping to see
> naked women.
>
> Because of the tips, female flight attendants wouldn't need a
> salary, thus saving even more money. I suspect tips would be so
> good that we could charge the women for working the plane and have
> them kick back 20% of the tips, including lap dances and 'special
> services .'
>
> Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of seeing
> naked women. Hijackings would come to a screeching halt, and the
> airline industry would see record revenues.
>
> This is definitely a win- win situation if we handle it right -- a
> golden opportunity to turn a liability into an asset.
>
> Why didn't Bush think of this? Why do I still have to do
> everything myself?
>
> Sincerely,
> Bill Clinton

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders.

The man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke,' and turns to the ostrich, 'What's yours?'

'I'll have the same,' says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke.'

The ostrich says, 'I'll have the same.'

Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.

'No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man.

'Same,' says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?'

'Well,' says the man, 'several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'

'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!'

'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,' says the man.

The waitress asks, 'What's with the ostrich?'

The man sighs, pauses and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall chick with a big butt and long legs who agrees with everything I say.'

My VP stopped by the other day, Bama alum. We were talking about their opener with Clempson (sp), and I told him Clempson must have scheduled them as a warmup game! :hihi: GLARE