An Irish Daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her father cussed her, "Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum through?" The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff .... dad .... I became a prostitute. " "Ye what??!! Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family." "OK, dad ... as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten-bedroom mansion, plus a savings certificate for $5 million. For me little brother, this gold Rolex. And for ye, daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside, plus a membership in the country club..." ... (takes a breath) ... "and an invitation for ye all to spend New Year's Eve on board me new yacht in the Riviera, and . . . " "Now what was it ye said ye had become?" says dad. Girl, crying again, "Sniff, sniff ..... a prostitute, dad! .... sniff, sniff." "Oh! Be Heavens!!!! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant. Come here and give yer old dad a hug!"
Two prostitutes are walking down the street. One says to the other, “We’re going to make a lot of Money tonight, I can just smell the d%*k in the air”. The second prostitute says, “Sorry, I burped”.
A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, 'Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, But they only know how to say one thing.' 'What do they say?' the priest inquired. They say, 'Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?' That's obscene!' the priest exclaimed, Then he thought for a moment. 'You know,' he said, 'I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, Which I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, And we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship. And your parrots are sure to stop saying . . That phrase . . In no time.' Thank you,' the woman responded, 'this may very well be the solution.' The next day, She brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, She saw that his two male parrots Were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, She walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After a few minutes, The female parrots cried out in unison: Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?' There was stunned silence. Shocked, One male parrot looked over at the other male parrot And exclaimed, 'Put the beads away, Frank ~~~ our prayers have been answered!'
THE MIRACLE OF TOILET PAPER Fresh from my shower, I stood in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts are too small. Instead of romantically telling me this is not true, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion: "If you want your<BR>Breasts to grow, then take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them<BR>for a few seconds every day" Willing to try anything, I got a piece of toilet paper and stood in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. How long will this take?" I asked. They will grow larger over a period of years," my husband replies. I stopped. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between mybreasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?" Without missing a beat he said "Worked for your butt, didn't it?" The bastard is still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk again - although he will probably continue to take his meals through a straw
Bud and Jim were a couple of drinking buddy bikers who worked as aircraft mechanics in Charlotte. One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do. Bud said, "Man, I wish we had something to drink!" Jim says, "Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna try it?" So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hootch and got completely smashed. The next morning Bud wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing. Then the phone rings. It's Jim. Jim says, "Hey, how do you feel this morning?" Bud says, "I feel great. How about you?" Jim says, "I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?" Bud says, "No that jet fuel is great stuff -- no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often." "Yeah, well there's just one thing "What's that?" "Have you farted yet?" "No." "Well, DON'T, 'cause I'm in Denver."
Three women, one engaged, one married, and one a mistress, are chatting about their relationships and decide to amaze their men. That night all three will wear a leather S&M style bodice, stilettos and masks over their eyes. After a few days they meet again..... The engaged girlfriend said, "The other night, when my boyfriend came home, he found me in the leather bodice, 4" stilettos and mask. He said, 'You are the woman of my life, I love you'...then we made love all night long." The mistress stated, "Oh Yes! The other night we met in the office. I was wearing the leather bodice, mega stilettos, mask over my eyes, and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat, he didn't say a word. We just had wild s3x all night." The married woman then said, "The other night I sent the kids to stay at my mothers for the night. I got myself ready: leather bodice, super stilettos, and mask over my eyes. My husband came in from work, grabbed the TV controller and a beer, and said.... 'Hey Batman, what's for dinner?'"
One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, 'My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor.' 'Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money,' Mike replies. 'There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars . . . A lot cheaper than a doctor.' So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: 'You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart.' That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure. Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results. The computer prints the following: 1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9) 2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7) 3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab. 4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. 5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better! Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart.
O.K. Class, how about a limerick? Here goes: "A horny young lady named Alice Used a dynamite stick as a phallus. They found her vagina in South Carolina and part of her anus in Dallas." :wave:
