The Coach O Chronicles: Complete 2016 Predictions

Gentlemen,

I am new here, but I will give you a little background on myself. I am a for-profit prophet. When my mother was pregnant with me, she was struck by a Dixie beer truck and died. Luckily, I was born with the gift of sight. Currently, I work for this country's power elite advising them based upon my visions of the future -- a for-profit prophet. Last night, I had a vision regarding the Coach Orgeron's stint as the head football coach at L.S.U.

This is what I saw:

Saturday, October 1, 2016: LSU vs. Missouri -- Tiger stadium

Orgeron coaches the game in a black loincloth handcrafted from the skin of a panther that Coach O dispatched Thursday morning at the Baton Rouge zoo using only a plastic spork. Every third grade student from Northside Elementary bears witness to this act and receives a tuft of the big cats hair as a momento.

The Oregeron era begins with a midfield DDT of Barry Odom in the Tiger's Eye. 102,000 Tiger fans go crazy. Odom'c crumpled body is covered with boiling hot etouffee, and the Tigers grudge hump Mizzou. No one north of Lafourche Parish understands anything that O says at the post-game presser. LSU 33 - Mizzou 7

Saturday, October 8, 2016: LSU @ Florida -- The Swamp

Oregeron takes his Tigers on the road to Gainesville to battle Jim Mcelwain and his wooden teeth in a huge SEC test. Before the game, Oregeron re-enacts the T-rex scene in Peter Jackson's "King Kong" . . . dispatching two live alligators with his bare hands in the parking lot. Orgeron coaches the game shirtless, and at halftime, he holds Jim Mcelwain down while Bob Villa uses a dremel to transform his teeth into a jewelry box. Tigers 24 - Gators 4

Saturday, October 15, 2016: LSU vs. Southern Miss -- Tiger Stadium

After playing Paul Revere on Mcelwain's teeth, Orgeron splits the squad for its October 15 date with Southern Miss. He coaches an 11 am kickoff in Tiger Stadium with the redshirts and walk-ons and dispatches the Eagles 18-7. At halftime, O eats 2 dozen nuclear wings and uses Jay Hopson's coaching shirt as a wet nap. At the conclusion of the game and in lieu of a handshake, Orgeron airplane spins Hopson into a pit of live rattlesnakes before boarding an airplane to Athens, Georgia.

At 7 pm, the Tigers' starters kickoff versus the combined forces of Vanderbilt and Georgia. To make it competitive, Orgeron lets both teams play all 11 starters at once versus his Tiger squad. Before the game, Coach O beats Derek Mason in a spelling contest and wins Vanderbilt's giant, golden anchor. He uses it as a charm bracelet. The Georgia staff gets stuck in the coaches' locker room after Jim Chaney wins a burrito eating contest. LSU 144 -- Vandy/UGA 8

The Tigers are now 4-0 in 3 weeks with Orgeron at the helm before heading back to Baton Rouge for a contest versus. Ole Miss.

Saturday, October 22, 2016: LSU vs. Ole Miss -- Tiger Stadium

To start the pre-game festivities, Orgeron drags a naked Kirby Smart around tiger stadium by the ankle before dispatching him with a "Pile Driver." The crowd roars! During the pre-game warmups Coach O gives Hugh Freeze a wedgie and challenges him to a thumb war. Coach O removes both of Freezes thumbs with his bare hands and adds them to his charm bracelet. He promptly challenges the entire Ole Miss squad to a 100 yard game of red rover and defeats them using his breath and pecs alone. In sheer embarrassment, 42,000 citizens of the State of Mississippi commit ritual suicide and the nation's collective IQ rises by an astonishing 6%. LSU wins 91-3

Off Week:

The Tigers are now 5-0 in 4 weeks going into the off week. On Wednesday, he pilots a purple and gold A-10 Warthog to the Middle East and single handedly defeats ISIS. He then constructs 4,000 life-sized sand sculptures in his likeness, and uses them to secure a refugee safe zone for people fleeing Syria. Vladimir Putin offers 1/3 of all Russian oil interests in the Middle East if Orgero will put his shirt back on. Coach O does not and becomes the Premier of Russia

On his return to the United States, Orgeron has a layover in Jacksonville, Florida on Saturday, October 29. In 45 minutes, he consumes the city's entire supply of alcoholic beverages. Without alcohol to drown their sorrows, 24,000 Georgia fans fill their pockets with lead fishing weights and walk into the ocean. Florida fans, now sober, realize Jacksonville is a really boring place without Georgia fans to mock, and they all go home.

Saturday, November 5, 2016: LSU vs. Alabama -- Tiger Stadium

Premier Orgeron brings his Tigers -- 7-2 -- into the titanic battle with #1 Alabama. Instead of film review during the week, Orgeron has his team watch the collected works of Steven Segal . . . including "On Deadly Ground." On Thursday afternoon, Orgeron castrates a full-grown African bull elephant at practice with his teeth in an effort to motivate the team. The elephant dies from its injuries. Coach O mails the animal's carcass to Nick Saban overnight -- C.O.D.

Saban refuses to discuss the incident with the press, instead focusing on "The Process." On game day, Orgeron meets Nick Saban at midfield in Tiger Stadium. O is naked and covered in olive oil sporting an erection. To warm up the Tiger faithful, he juggles a chainsaw, burning torch and a polar bear. Orgeron then holds Saban to the ground and gives him an Indian burn, refusing to let him up until Saban signs over all of the money from his book deal to the TAF.

At kickoff, Oregeron refuses to take the field with all 11 players. Miraculously, the Tigers have an incredible goal line stand, stopping Alabama on 4 plays from the one yard line using the backup holder and the lead tuba player from the Golden Band from Tigerland. At the half, it's LSU 11- Alabama 0.

During the half, O enters the Alabama locker room and gives them a halftime speech while receiving a hummer from Layla Kiffin and a high five from Lane. The crowd roars. The Tigers pick up 6 points at half due to a video review of the Auburn game. LSU starts the game with an onsides kick, even though they are receiving. Tigers win -- 31-12! Orgeron spends the entire second half drafting a reconciliatory theory of physics. He is award a Nobel Prize for physics at the post-game presser.

Orgeron's Tigers are now 8-2 and ranked #1 in all polls. Additionally, LSU's GDP now ranks fourth globally behind the United States, China, and Russia. The new global currency becomes the "O Buck!" instead of a paper monetary currency, the O Buck is a cement block with a stainless steel spike driven through it. Orgeron makes them himself with his bare fist during pre-practice.

Saturday, November 12, 2016: LSU @ Arkansas

Instead of flying to this SEC showdown, Coach O loads the team on a cattle hauler and pulls them up there himself at a sprinter's pace. On the way to Fayetteville, O visits the Crater of Diamonds and passes a kidney stone twice the size and three times as valuable as the Hope Diamond. During warmups, O slaps the stupid off of Bret Bielema's face. Surprisingly, it takes two slaps even for Coach O. Tigers 6 -- Hogs 4!

On the way back to Baton Rouge, O stops in Memphis and revives the corpse of Elvis Presley. He is awarded a pink Cadillac and a pound of cocaine that was buried with the king. Memphis rejoices. In appreciation, Coach O makes the Mississippi River flow northward for 14 minutes.

Saturday, November 19, 2016: LSU vs. South Alabama -- Tiger Stadium

The South Alabama game is cancelled because the State of Alabama's university system does not want to subject another of their universities to such humiliation at the hands of Ed Orgeron. In exchange for their capitulation, Coach O is awarded all of the land west of the Florida panhandle to Mississippi, including the cities of Bay Minette, Mobile, Daphne, Gulf Shores, Orange Beach and Citronelle. Additionally, the state is officially re-named Edabama in accordance iwth the settlement, and Nick Saban signs over full custody of Kirby Smart, Will Muschamp, and Jimbo Fisher.

Thursday, november 24, 2016: LSU @ Texas A&M

LSU closes out its season vs. Texas A&M on Thanksgiving Day. The Aggies come into the game at 9-2 and are coached by Morpheus form the Matrix. During the pregame meal, Coach O eats 100 live turkeys, has sex with 50 Native American virgins, and burns a teepee. Orgeron enters Kyle Field riding the ghost of Secretariat and dragging the corpse of Johnny Manziel. LSU fans cheer wildly. At midfield, Kevin Sumlin offers O the choice between a blue or red pill. Orgeron eats both and shits a Commodore 64, which he uses to re-program the Matrix and save humanity before travelling forward in time to destroy Skynet. Humanity wins -- Tigers do too!

 

Taste just like chicken they say

 

I...I... like this!

Tickets will skyrocket for next year, though.

 

Looks like taint is on the run

 

(golf clap) well played sir, well played

 

I liked it because the DDT is such an underrated finisher.

 

...much unlike Layla Kiffin.

 

Honestly I would be happy if O was able to salvage this into a 4 loss season. If we can steal 3 out 5 from the Big 5 we still face, Arkansas, Ole Miss, UF, Bama, and A&M I would be happy with his performace but still I think the only way he stays on as HC is if he runs the table or loses a really close game to Bama but wins the rest. Gonna be tough for O.

 

Impossible to cliff note, well worth the read.