Tim Tebow pregnant with The Antichrist THIRD-YEAR QB AND DEVOUT CHRISTIAN FACES MORAL DILEMMA By Jon Bogran The Levee dental writer New York Jets quarterback and Christian football hero, Tim Tebow, famous for his seemingly miraculous ability to defy critics and lead his team to clumsy victories at crucial moments, received the earth-shattering news late last month that, despite all scientific reasoning and biological impediments, he has miraculously become pregnant. Sonograms from all angles clearly demonstrate that the 6-month-old fetus gestating in Tebow’s belly bears horns, cloven-hooves, a serpantine tail, and the ominous number “666” on its pre-natal forehead; thus confirming beyond any shadow of a doubt that Tebow is, in fact, carrying the unholy progeny of Satan and the eagerly-anticipated harbinger of Armageddon known as “The Antichrist.” Confounded, Tebow and medical experts have been left with the head-scratching conclusion that the pregnancy can only be the result of unimmaculate conception. “The most unimmaculate actually,” said Dr. Sanjay Desai of Tulane Medical Center. “Clearly Satan found a way to inject his evil seed inside Tebow and incite conception via some ungodly, supernatural means. I mean, he’s the devil, right? So I guess he can do that sort of thing. I don’t know, I’m an orthodontist.” When asked how such a momentous thing might have happened, a baffled and pale-faced Tebow shakily responded that he had no idea, and that the only unusual thing to happen to him in recent weeks was a strange night when, upon celebrating the Broncos’ playoff victory over the Steelers at a restaurant early this year, an unnassuming fan insisted on buying Tebow a glass of milk to thank him for his inspirational performance. “The next thing I remember was waking up alone in the woods naked at the center of a pentagram drawn in what looked like blood. I was surrounded by candles and turkey basters, and I remember feeling a very very sharp pain in my backside. That pain didn’t help in our game against the Patriots, that’s for sure. It hurt for over a month, and I’ve been vomiting a lot since then. Other than that, everything has been totally normal. I honestly still can’t figure out how this happened. The unprecedented announcement brings a major religious and moral quandaries to Tebow’s doorstep. Being an outspoken Pro-life advocate, the devout Catholic is now forced to decide whether to keep the abomination and assume responsibility for its upbringing, all the while knowing full well that the child will one day grow up to ruthlessly battle Christ and lead humanity to the most terrifying epoch in its history, or to abort it and save his bretheren from unspeakable suffering and possibly eternal damnation. When asked if he would reconsider his cherished religious allegiance for the sake of humanity, or if he was going to be a bitch about it, Tebow said, “I … I don’t know This is a new experience for me and I’m going to try and make the most of it and of my opportunity.”
