Be not afraid good citizens of Oxford. My new Blackberry has been blowing up the past few days. Text messages, emails, calls, you name it. Most of them with the same general message, “Praise be to Allah, what are we going to do when all these crazy drunken coonasses come to town to rape our women, steal our dry goods, and generally defy our stance against the culture of alcohol in our peaceful little village?” I have good news for you my sons and daughters, you have nothing to fear. Our brothers and sisters in Louisiana bear no ill will. They come with full wallets, swollen livers, and stinky sausage made of chopped up gizzards and rice. That being said, I know many myths abound out there about what sort of Sodom inspired ribaldry these crazy people are capable of, some true and some not, so I’m here to put your mind at ease going into what will no doubt be a fun weekend. MYTH #1: LSU women are trashy and will likely sleep with you if offered some sort of fried seafood nugget, a plastic set of beads, or a shot of Jagermeister. TRUE. This has been proven over and over again in New Orleans at Mardi Gras. Well, sort of. Most of the women who are bearing their breasts and performing lewd acts in public are actually from Indiana or Buffalo or some other place where nipples only see daylight at a meeting of the La Leche League. MYTH #2: LSU fans are not breastfed but are rather served bourbon in baby bottles and develop raging addictions to alcohol by the age of five. This too is TRUE. But it also begs the question, why don’t they have public service announcements there about how drinking is bad and you’ll end up on a prayer list or worse yet an obituary if you deign to have more than two drinks during game day? What is also true is that people in Louisiana don’t typically see a few guys going to grab beers on a weekend, but rather just a friendly Tuesday lunch. MYTH #3: LSU fans hurl bags of piss on opposing fans for sport. Sadly, as much as I want this to be true for the sheer excitement of watching Anne Paige, the Tri-Delt from the Coast, who waited all year for a game cold enough to wear her black fur trimmed boots with her best fall dress, get splattered with second generation Abita Turbo Dog from a face painted lunatic from Cutoff, you are much more likely to see Anne Paige ruin her outfit by falling down ****efaced in the alley beside The Library. So I suppose this one is FALSE. MYTH #4: LSU’s football team is a dominant juggernaut that will destroy all things in its path including Ed Orgeron and the home standing Ole Miss Rebels. While the outcome of such a declaration may come to fruition, the truth of the matter is that Ole Miss sucks plenty bad and doesn’t need a national championship contender to come to Oxford to be embarrassed. LSU got beat by Kentucky and were taken to the brink of three other losses in the SEC before coming out victorious. Ole Miss was challenged to the whistle by Northwestern State and Memphis. No, Rebel fans, the reason Ole Miss will get chopped up and cooked in a pot like gumbo on Saturday is because they suck. The opposing team is nothing but a formality. FALSE. So be not afraid Rebel fans. Roll over and take the whipping this weekend with a stiff drink in one hand, and a rosary in the other. Remember, it doesn’t take thousands of unruly coonasses attacking Oxford every other year to ruin football. Our own pirogue paddling shrimp boat captain of a coach has handled that all by himself.:wave:
I've spent most of my adult life trying to hook up with Annie Paige. Hell most of my adolescent life too
