A quick run through the family tree... Vanderbilt - The 2nd cousin that made something of himself. Sharp kid, not particularly riveting, but a source of pride in some ways. It was never worth the effort to beat him up, but he could get pretty mad sometimes and sometimes give you more than you really wanted in a scrap-fight. He devoured books growing up, and really liked the Babysitters Club series. Arkansas - The crazy uncle with the 4-wheeler who insisted you hold both handguns while riding with him, in case something "skittered." Sometimes harmless, sometimes mad as a hatter. He could get hurt by a falling leaf or punch through a brick wall and eat a family of possums. He's a little snippy sometimes, and you think it might be due to the fact that he was born without nipples. Even though he says "Well, they don't do nothing anyway," you can totally tell he's self-conscious about it. Mississippi State - The bumbling 1st cousin. Never that bright, but harmless. He was always jealous of everyone around him, but he couldn't realize that even though he was boring, not too many people minded having him around. He was the one that was always "it" in a game of tag. He has taken the Old Spice Challenge several times, and failed them all. Of course, he's still never passed the GED, either...so at least he's consistent. Kentucky - The enigma. An uncle who was either right in the midst of a lucky streak of casino and racetrack wins, or the guy who passed out at Thanksgiving, fell out of a lawn chair, and wet his pants. He is a pretty darn good basketball player, but you imagine that he and Bud Selig (here, here, and here) share many of the same facial expressions. Tennessee - A second cousin and a solid guy, respected (and sometimes feared) within the family. He had his glory days, and he still holds on to them, sometimes displaying them in flashes of brilliance. A good guy to have in the family, but a little doddering sometimes. His finger is often in his nose and you wonder how he still manages to button some shirts. You look at his shirts and you can hear the buttons screaming. Florida - A vainglorious and pompous bloat of a cousin. Always had a lot going for him, and was cocky as hell when the chips were falling his way. Undoubtedly talented and even a bit lucky, he was loathed (yet envied) in the family - which made comeuppances all the more sweeter. He still gets his insults in now and again, but all of the women that thought he was attractive now think he wears too much Cool Water (nice pecs!). His hair plugs look like some sort of cleansing bristles found near the excretory orifice of a manatee, which would also explain his breath. A lot like him. Georgia - A tough cousin and likeable fellow who is a pretty stand-up guy. Hard-working, hard-playing, and pretty decent all around. His wears sweaters well. He always brags about his "secret amazing sauce," which everyone has figured out is just Kraft© honey barbecue sauce and cheap apple jelly. Alabama - The guy who just won't go down. He's been a jerk and his behavior has bitten him time and again, and he always manages to come out with more worth through the wear. You remember his days in his prime, and you wonder how it got away so fast. Kind of a mess, but really not a big deal anymore. You always marvel at his prison tattoo. South Carolina - The cousin you forget about. He's always reserved and a little bit dorky, but he seems like a nice enough fellow. He's into science fiction (2001), but he can still play a decent game of catch (although he can't run the ball worth a damn). You're pretty sure he took the Sears WishBook while growing up so he could look at the women in the bra section. Ole Miss - That cousin about the same age as you. You were best friends but strangely competitive. Sometimes you hate him, but you're not sure where you'd be without him. He can be overbearing, but his khakis are always very pressed. He needs a haircut and he sounds like he's been smoking Anbesol. Auburn - An unmitigated, unapologetic, peerless example of jerk-white-trash. This is the uncle that still goes to shake your hand, whips it away, and says "Psyche." This is the uncle that is bald on top with a horseshoe of hair around the ears and back, and this hair is long and oily. This uncle has swerved to run over dogs on purpose. This uncle has a windowless white conversion van. You can't think of a single family member that likes, respects, or is even amused by this fellow. He has a lot of jokes that involve genitals. You have seen him eat an entire can of Bean Dip© with only his index finger.
Absolutely. Don't forget that the Bauburn uncle scratches his ass and picks his nose a lot while using that same finger to eat the Bean Dip out of the jar. :geaux: :lsug:
