A worried man goes to his doctor and explains, "Doc, there's something seriously wrong with my digestive system!" "If I eat carrots, when I go to the bathroom, out comes carrots! If I eat peas, I take a dump, out comes peas! I eat apples and I poop apples! I'm worried, Doc; What do you suggest?" The doctor said calmly, "No problem, eat poo." Two hobo's are walking down railroad tracks, haven't eaten in a couple days, and are starving. Ahead of them, lying on the tracks, is a dead buzzard....maggots crawling all over the badly decomposed bird...green flies swarming the stinking mass. Stopping to stare at the smelly thing, one hobo says, "Let's eat this bastard." The other hobo says, "Naw, I'm gonna wait and have a HOT meal." The first hobo replies, "Well, I'm too damned hungry to wait, I'm eatin' this f*ckin' buzzard". The second hobo says, "Suit yourself, but I ain't waitin' on you", and starts down the tracks again. Ravenously, the first hobo begins stuffing the rotton bird into his mouth. After licking the last maggot from his lips, he looks down the tracks and sees his buddy....by now about a mile away... and takes off running to catch up. After running 10 minutes in the hot August sun, the hobo catches up to his buddy.....sweating...panting....stomach churning from the rotten buzzard he'd just eaten. Suddenly he begins to puke....every bit of the rotten buzzard is now laying in a putrid mass on the tracks. The second hobo smiles at the first hobo and says, "See?? I told you I was gonna wait for a HOT meal". Their once was a Princess who fell in love with an indian, but still wasn't happy because he had accomplished nothing in his life. One day in the paper the princess read of an herbal tea drinking contest. Suprisingly the in Indian was very good at this and decided to enter. The contest began and soon it was down to the indian and another man,they both drank 32 gallons of tea. Finally after 34 gallons the other man dropped out and the indian won, by drinking 35 gallons of herbal tea. After celebrating, the indian went to sleep with the trophy in his hands and....that night he drowned in his teapee! A lady walks into a store and asks the clerk for a gallon of vanilla, a gallon of chocolate and a gallon of strawberries the clerk says i dont have any chocolate so the lady says ok ill take a quart of each and the clerk tells her again i dont have any chocolate so the lady asks for a pint of each and now the clerk is getting really mad and he tells her to spell the "van" in vanilla so she goes v-a-n so the clerk goes spell the stracw in strawberries so she goes s-t-r-a-w and the clerk goes spell the f*ck in chocolate and the lady goes there is no f*ckin chocolate and the clrek goes thats what i've been trying to tell you! Two buddies were walking down the warf one day.Jack asked Joe what is 99+347.Well Joe said,thats easy boy,thats 446.Joe boy your getting some smart Jack said.Well Jack I been eating smart pills.You got anymore Joe.Yes I got More.So then Joe puts his hand down the ass of his pants and takes one out and gives it to jack.Then Jacks says my Joe,this tastes like sh*t.Joe says well Jack,your getting smarter already. One day an american guy visits spain.after watching an exciting bull fight,he goes into a restaurant for dinner.while he waits for his meal, a waitor walks by with a steaming plate of food. the american guy asks the waitor what it is. the waitor relpies that it is bulls testicles from thefight. wlling to try anything once, the american orders one for the next day...... the next afternoon, the american walks into the restaurant and sits down to his meal. when he sees the waitor, hetells him they are delicious, but why are they so much smaller than the ones yesterday? then the waitor tells him, sometimes the bull wins! This lady in N.Y. City use to go to a corner store that sells ducks and she was known to go there to by a Long Island duck at all times, one day she did her usual routine and stop at that corner store to by a Long Island duck, she noticed a new owner operating the store so she asked him for a Long Island duck, the man went to the back and grab a duck and give it to her, she took the duck, put's her finger in the ducks as* and says, excuse me sir but I asked for a Long Island duck and this is a new jersey duck, so the man looked at her, went to the back and grab another duck, gives it to her and again she put's her finger in the duck's as* and says, excuse me again sir but I've told you that I want a Long Island duck and this is a New York duck, the man looked at her angry, goes to the back and grabs another one and gives it to her, she did the inspection again and said, sir, finally you got it right, this is a long Island duck! By the way sir you look new here, where you from? The man still angry from her attitude looks at her, turns around, put's he's pants down and says, listen lady if you're smart, check my as*hole.
while we're at it....how about some food and other fun as engineers combat rodents (did you know that engineers can be quite good at cooking small animals)....... GUINEA PIG HORROR STORIES AND PROBLEMS WITH HAMSTERS From messibeast GUINEA PIG HORROR STORIES The caution of the following real life newsgroup conversation is "be careful what you ask for - you might just get it" Engineer #1: I bought my 7-year old daughter a Guinea Pig over the weekend. Are there any horror stories out there I need to be aware of? Engineer #2: BTW, a DirectX 8.0 compatible food bowl driver is recommended for full EAT support. Engineer #3: Didn't Stephen King write one about a woman in her son trapped in a broken down car, being terrorized by a rabid guinea pig? Engineer #2: That was Cujo, not Cavy. They were being terrorized by a rabid dog. Engineer #3: it might have been a Mutant Giant Guinea Pig .... Engineer #4: There's Attack of the Mutant Vampire Guinea Pigs - once, a weary traveller came to stop at an inn in the countryside. He paid for a meal and drink but, despite the warnings from the locals not to proceed that evening, owing to the presence of a full moon, the traveller pressed on for the night. He was not taken in by the tales of a creature of extraordinary strength and cunning roaming the wilds... It was not long before this unwary man was beset by the pitter-patter of tiny feet running along the dead leaves that covered the ground. Getting more concerned by the approaching sounds, the traveller tried to flee, heading away from the creature at his quickest pace, sweat visibly falling from his face! But it was in vain, as the creature caught up with him, using its superior night-vision and familiarity with the surroundings. Cornered in an open field, the traveller begged for mercy, but the creature did not listen, and it lunged forwards, viciously mauling the poor, foolish man. What became of the man is not known, but it is rumoured that, at every full moon, fur grows from every pore in his skin and he craves carrots and sunflower seeds... Engineer #2: I thought that it was overrated. Now Return of the Killer Zombie Mutant Guinea Pigs was miles better. Engineer#4: Yes, but "Return of the Killer Zombie Mutant Guinea Pigs" like so many sequels relied too heavily on special effects. The 1956 original had more atmosphere IMHO, though the scandal surrounding the treatment of the cast reduced the box office takings considerably. Engineer #2: That's true of the later remake of "Return of the Killer Zombie Mutant Guinea Pigs", but I was referring to the original, which was considered as a "tribute" rather than as a "sequel" (because of the "Zombies" as against "Vampires" in the first film). Engineer #3: Was that the one where she picked the guinea pig up by the tail and its eyes fell out? Engineer #4: that was the one. Engineer #3: How did they do that without SFX? Guinea pigs don't have tails! Engineer #4: That was the whole point - it was all to do with the threat. You never actually saw her pick it up by the tail. Engineer #3: You did in the remake. Engineer #4: But that was the guy imagining what would happen if she did. Like I said, the remake relied heavily on special effects. Engineer #5: Whatever you do, ignore both the awful parody "Abbot and Costello meet the Killer Zombie Mutant Vampire Cavies" with the terrible running gag in which Russ Abbot keeps on confusing 'cavies' (Guinea Pigs) for 'cavities' (holes in teeth, walls etc.). "This running gag should have been made to stop running and to go and lie down in a darkened room" according to the film critic on the Mavis Enderby Gazette. Engineer #3: Is it true that they are going to make 15 Prequels in true Hollywood fashion? Father of the Killer Zombie Mutant Guinea Pigs. Mother of the Killer Zombie Mutant Guinea Pigs. Conception of the Killer Zombie Mutant Guinea Pigs. Birth of the Killer Zombie Mutant Guinea Pigs. Screaming little smelly Killer Zombie Mutant Guinea Pigs. Annoying pesky Killer Zombie Mutant Guinea Pigs. Kevin and Perry meet the Zombie Mutant Guinea Pigs. Scent of a Zombie Mutant Guinea Pig etc etc... Engineer #5: What about Marlon Brando and Robert di Niro in The Godfather of the Killer Zombie Mutant Guinea Pigs Engineer #4: And the awful "Night of the Cavy" which was a sequel to "Night of the Lepus" about mutant giant bunnies which lived in abandoned mineshafts. Engineer #6: Shouldn't it have been called "Night of the Cuniculus"? Lepus is hare. Cuniculus is rabbit. Engineers #2, 3, 4, 5: Pedant!! Engineer #1: Errr ....can anyone give me any hints on looking after my guinea pig? Later ... Engineer #1: In Worcestershire there are tales of mutant Guinea Pigs the size of large dogs terrorising locals! Holed up in a wood somewhere, locals warned not to approach. Is this true? Engineer #2: It's true enough. Apparently hormones used by fish-farmers have got into the ground water and caused escaped guinea pigs to mutate. It was first noticed when urban foxes started showing fear of going back into the forests, and it turns out that these mutants hunt in packs. To date the largest creature known to have been brought down by these giant mutant rodents was an elephant - behavioural psychologists suspect that the mutants probably perceive the pink skin and vivid blue spots on the pachyderms as a threat... Engineer #1: Well why haven't we heard about the presence of elephants in Worcs. before? Surely the BBC and ITN must be in the pay of the government if they have kept this quiet. Engineer #3: And is this the reason I haven't met anyone from that part of the country for the last two years? Have they been quarantined by means of clever diversions and secret road rebuilding (as with Maidstone)? We should be told . . . . Arachnaphobic Engineer: This morning I woke up, and to my horror a GIANT spider (ok so it wasn't 40 metres wide or anything but it was big) had appeared on my wall. Is there anything I can use to convince spiders to leave me alone? Engineer #2: The only thing you can do to persuade the spiders to leave is to introduce the giant "spider eating" spider into your house. Or get some of the special "spider eating" zombie vampire flesh-eating guinea pigs from hell. Engineer #3: As in the song; "I know an old lady who swallowed a zombie vampire flesh-eating guinea pig from hell, I'm not sure how she could tell, that it came from hell; she swallowed the zombie vampire flesh-eating guinea pig from hell to catch a spider, she swallowed the spider to catch a fly..." Arachnophobic Engineer: Also, is it possible to build a house which is completely spider proof? Engineer #2: No, because the spiders have transporter technology and can beam in anywhere. HAMSTER PROBLEM -ENGINEERING SOLUTION Never ask an engineer for advice on a hamster problem! Please note, I do not endorse the second "solution" offered and it was provided purely in the context of humour. In Britain this is known as a "wind up" and is not taken seriously. Question I have a hamster problem. I have 2 Russian Dwarf hamsters. They smell. They also make a lot of noise at night running round on their wheel. Can anyone here offer any tips ? Peter Rieden's Response There are two approaches to the problem, the first being the engineering solution: Fit the wheel with a set of decent bearings - oilite soaked in Castrol R or Castrol M for instance. Every 12,000 revolutions remove the bearings, degrease them in boiling white spirit and then resoak. Every 24,000 revolutions check bearings for backlash and endfloat, shimming as necessary. Every 48,000 revolutions remove and discard old bearings. Regrind shaft journals and resize using a proprietry lustracising agent and some 1st pressing lint-free scrim. Fit new presoaked bearings reamed and ground to one oversize. Treat as new (above). The second is the non-engineering solution: Check the hamster isn't wearing any metallic jewelry, stun hamster and place it on a non-metallic plate. Microwave for 5 minutes on "high", and then allow to stand for 10 minutes before discarding in wastebin. (Note: the time given is guidance based on a 750W oven - all ovens vary and you should adjust the time given for your oven. Allow extra time if microwaving more than one hamster at the same time. Ensure hamster is piping hot before discarding). The second approach should also take care of the smell... Cue for Bad Joke Some time ago, my daughter's hamster died (of natural causes, I hasten to add) and we wondered what to do with the body. We do not have a garden and my daughter did not want me to flush Hammy down the toilet ("burial at sea"). Finally I hit upon the idea of a trying out a recipe I had read about. I place the hamster's body in a medium steel saucepan, covering it with a two pints of water and one kilogram of preserving sugar (you can use granulated sugar but you must add pectin as hamsters do not contain pectin). This was heated until it came to the boil and kept at a "rolling boil" for 5 minutes. The much reduced volume of hamster/syrup mixture was allowed to cool and decanted into a large jar. Unfortunately, when I tried a little of this on bread it tasted awful. I ended up tipping the whole long onto the window box outside the kitchen window. Imagine my surprise when a few weeks later, the window box was full of the most amazing tulips! I was mystified since I'd never planted any bulbs in it. My daughter finally explained what had happened: "Mummy, you should know that you get Tulips from Old Hamster jam!" SQUIRREL SOLUTIONS - ENGINEERING STYLE This is what happens when a question on squirrel problems is accidentally posted to a software forum ... Question: I'm having a bit of a problem with squirrels. They keep digging up my patio tubs and spreading the contents over the patio! I keep on having to replant my seedlings. I've tried fixing plastic mesh over the tubs, but the little beggars have sharp teeth and have nibbled through the plastic! Answer In McAfee AV, select "configuration options" and check the box for detecting "unwanted squirrels" or "malicious arboreal rodents" (depending on version of McAfee). Also check the "block squirrel attacks" box in the McAfee Firewall. Dunno the Norton or ZoneAlarm equivalent. Apparently squirrels are spyware - they tell all their mates about your buffet, I mean seedlings, so you need to download a SquirrelWare package from web to prevent installation of whole squirrel families. SquirrelWare won't work with AOL though....
