New Joke Thread

Discussion in 'New Roundtable' started by red55, Dec 16, 2009.

  1. mctiger

    mctiger closet claustrophic Staff Member

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    The bartender says,"We don't serve time travelers here."

    A time traveler walks into a bar.
     
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  2. Bengal B

    Bengal B Founding Member

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    Wasn't Marty McFly a high school kid? All he has to do is travel a few years into the future and his I'D shows him if legal drinking age.
     
  3. Bengal B

    Bengal B Founding Member

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  4. HalloweenRun

    HalloweenRun I'll try to be nicer, if you try to be smarter!

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    A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.
    Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.

    The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the e-mail.

    Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston , a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack.
    The widow decided to check her e-mail expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.
    The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:



    To: My Loving Wife

    Subject: I've Arrived

    Date: July 19, 2010

    I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in.
    I've seen that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
    P. S. Sure is freaking hot down here!!!!
     
  5. HalloweenRun

    HalloweenRun I'll try to be nicer, if you try to be smarter!

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    Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

    Arlene: What in the hell is that?

    Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

    Arlene: Where did you get it?

    Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.

    The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and
    announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
    The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what size, texture, brand of condom she prefers.

    'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'

    The pharmacist fainted
     
  6. MikeInLa

    MikeInLa Veteran Member

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    Sorry if this was posted in here already but saw this on Facebook and thought I'd share it here LOL

    Rules for driving in Baton Rouge

    1. First you must learn to pronounce the city name. It is Batt'n Roodge.
    2. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. Baton Rouge has its own version of traffic rules... Hold on.....and pray.
    3. All directions start with, "Get on I-10"...which has no beginning and no end.
    4. The Chamber of Commerce calls getting through traffic a "scenic drive."
    5. The morning rush hour is from 6:00 to 10:00. The evening rush hour is from 3:00 to 7:00. Friday's rush hour starts Thursday morning.
    6. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will get rear-ended.
    7. Hoo Shoo Too Road can only be pronounced by a native.
    8. Construction on I-12 is a way of life, and a permanent form of entertainment.
    9. All unfamiliar sights are explained by the phrase, "Oh, we are in Denham Springs!"
    10. If you actually see someone with their turn signal on, it is probably a factory defect.
    11. All old ladies with blue hair in Cadillacs have the right of way.
    12. Lots of streets mysteriously change names as you cross intersections.
    13. Horns are used before brakes or blinkers
    14. A trip across town will take a minimum of an hour.
    15. Must do::: clover leaf at airline and Florida and airline and 1-12
    16. The wrought iron on windows downtown isn't ornamental.
    17. If you leave one car length for every 10 MPH speed between you and the car in front of you, somebody will cut in.
    18. Never stare at the driver of the car with the bumper sticker that says, "Keep honking. I'm reloading."
    19. For directions sake, you must know the difference between the "New" bridge & the "Old" bridge as also you should know the difference between the "New" mall and the "Old" mall.
    20. Baton Rouge is the Only city in the USA with exits on the left side of an Interstate with an entrance in the same lane.
    And finally,
    21. Anyone trying to get within 5 miles of the LSU campus on the day of an LSU Football game either does not live in Baton Rouge or has lost his mind
     
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  7. Bengal B

    Bengal B Founding Member

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  8. Bengal B

    Bengal B Founding Member

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  9. mctiger

    mctiger closet claustrophic Staff Member

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    @MikeInLa My sister-in-law, who lives in Baton Rouge, says you can get anywhere in 15 minutes. I asked her where she parks her helicopter.
     
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  10. MikeInLa

    MikeInLa Veteran Member

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    I live just outside of BR, about 5 minutes from my job, and it still takes me 10 minutes to get to my job from home LOL
     

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