New Joke Thread ... it's time for one

Discussion in 'New Roundtable' started by red55, Dec 13, 2006.

  1. HalloweenRun

    HalloweenRun Founding Member

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    Late at night the police spot an old man, weaving and stumbling down the street. Clearly drunk.

    They investigate and ask him what he is doing out at such a late hour.

    The old man replies, 'I am going to a lecture on the evils of alcohol and the negative effect on the body of staying out late."

    The police ask, "Who the hell gives that kind of a lecture this time of night?"

    The reply, "My wife."
     
  2. Luv4LSU

    Luv4LSU Founding Member

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    My Great Weekend

    An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store this past Friday evening with a beautiful much younger gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.

    The old man said, 'No, I'd like to see something more special.'

    At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000 the jeweler said. The lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, 'We'll take it.'

    The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, 'by check
    . I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.'

    On Monday morning, the jeweler angrily phoned the old man and said 'There's no money in that account.'

    'I know,' said the old man, 'But let me tell you about MY GREAT WEEKEND!'

     
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  3. red55

    red55 curmudgeon Staff Member

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    A woman goes to the doctor all black and blue ..

    Doctor: "What happened?"

    Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk on Budweiser he beats me up."

    Doctor: "Does he beat you every night?"

    Woman: "No, just when he comes home drunk".

    Doctor: "I have a real good medicine for that. When your husband comes home drunk on Budweiser, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in your mouth but don't swallow.

    Just keep swishing and swishing until he goes to bed in his Budweiser stupor."

    Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

    Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea. Every time my husband came home drunk on Budweiser, I swished with sweet tea. I swished and swished, and he didn't touch me!"

    Doctor: "You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps?"
     
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  4. red55

    red55 curmudgeon Staff Member

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    A young New York woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean, but just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man stopped her.

    "You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we are off to Italy tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."

    With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to Italy, the woman accepted.

    That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the hold. From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches, a bottle of red wine, and make love to her until dawn. Two weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.

    "What are you doing here?" asked the captain.

    "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Italy."

    "I see," the captain says.

    Her conscience got the best of her and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me."

    "He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."
     
  5. KyleK

    KyleK Who, me? Staff Member

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    This was told as a true story:

    A nurse was on duty in the Emergency Room
    when a young woman with purple hair styled
    into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety
    of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing,
    entered .. . . It was quickly determined that
    the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was
    scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely
    disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair
    had been dyed green and above it there was a tattoo
    that read . . . 'Keep off the grass. '

    Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon
    wrote a short note on the patient's dressing,
    which said 'Sorry . . . had to mow the lawn. '
     
  6. tigerchick46

    tigerchick46 Quick Learner

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    Woman walks into her bedroom with a "rabbit" under her arm. Her husband is lying in bed drinking a beer. Woman says, “This is the pig I have sex with when you’ve got a headache.” Man replies, “I think you’ll find that is a rabbit.” Woman replies, “I think you’ll find I was talking to the rabbit.”
     
  7. GiantDuckFan

    GiantDuckFan O the Joy

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    Little Johnie's neighbor had a baby.
    Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.

    When mother and new baby came home from the hospital,
    Johnie's family was invited over to see the baby.

    Before they left their house, Little Johnie's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears.
    His dad also told him that if he so much as mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears, or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home.

    Little Johny told his dad he understood completely.

    When Johny looked in the crib he said, "What a beautiful baby!
    The mother said, "why, thank you, Little Johny".
    Johny said, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?".

    "Yes", the mother replied, we are so thankful; the Dr. said he will have 20/20 vision".

    "That's great", said little Johny, cuz he'd be phucked if he needed glasses".
     
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  8. Pennsylvania

    Pennsylvania Go easy on me

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    I'm surprised , and impressed that there aren't any penn state jokes on here yet.
     
  9. tigerchick46

    tigerchick46 Quick Learner

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    Problem solved

    If an older woman chasing a younger guy is a cougar, is an older man chasing a younger guy a Nittany Lion?
     
  10. mobius481

    mobius481 Registered Member

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    We were leaving you the honor of posting the first one. :grin:
     

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