From the LSU Chicago Alumni Assoc. (www.lsuchicageaux.com )website: "...Here's what them thar on the Plains need to realize: you've already lost. Not necessarily the game, though that's a likelihood. This relates to something more important. Every year at this time, local Auburn media begins to spout the same stuff - telling Auburn fans to "be careful going to Baton Rouge," because this year, "LSU fans are bringing machetes to the game!" Repeating vague anecdotes ad nauseum = Truth! Here are some things NOT yet credited to LSU fans, though take heart, ye purple and gold, we still have time to: -Throw cannisters of mustard gas into the Auburn fan section -Grab every Auburn fan under 10 and force them to work in a Temple-of-Doom-like labor camp -Ditch the urine-soaked NERF balls and pick up some of those big ol' mamma-jamma super-soakers, 'cuz that's the only good way to get a real good stream goin' -Round up everybody with cancer, and then beat 'em with the lower halves of cue sticks...you know, those ones that fit in those weird little briefcases -Make sure to burn ALL the RV's! BURN BURN BURN THE ONLY THING THAT MAKES THE SPIDERS GO AWAY IS THE BURNING -Let our punter go at their band -Celebrate our victory by giving our fine-tuned athletes carcinogens -Show FACES OF DEATH on the Jumbo-Tron -Break out an industrial woodchipper and bring in a dumptruck of fluffy puppies to test out the machine -Put poison dart frogs in some "Tiger Dogs" and only give them out to Auburn fans -Knock down all the oaks into large pits in the earth to fuel the machines that create our orc army so we can recapture that invisibility ring -Set up a petting zoo for the Auburn children, hose 'em down with Lea & Perrins, and let Mike have his fill -Create an enormous slingshot near midfield to take the overturned goalposts (post-LSU victory) and fire them into the crowd, spearing at least 60 Auburn fans at a time -Replace the turnstiles at the visitors' gates with lawnmower blades -Hose the team bus down in diesel (after having shaken bus violently), flick lit cigars at bus, blare Zydeco, roast pig, and tap more kegs -Get every LSU fan under 15 hopped up on heroin before the game and set 'em loose in the Auburn RV lot with tire irons after telling the kids that for every digit they bring back, they get more skag No need to comment on the Plainsmen/War Eagle/Tiger ("But 'War Eagle' is a cry!" comes the bleat in fat-jowled, slack-jawed, mishmash drunken polyglot). That may very well be the case, but then it begs the question: What is "War Damn Eagle?" A really naughty cry? Why damn the eagle? They're endangered. Have you no couth? The mascot discrepancy just means they are chimera-like. "Chimera" is a perfect descriptor in regards to their team class...both are fictional. So, this week, Auburn, take your hyperbole and your rat-coach and stuff 'em in your pipe. Because you may have won 3 out of the last 4, but alas - no SEC Championship. As they say, you came close...but no cigar."
