From one of my all-time favorite websites, The Onion (of course): HARTFORD, CT—Eager to distinguish himself in the nine-member field of Democratic candidates, presidential hopeful Sen. Joe Lieberman (D-CT) pledged Monday to "gloss over any and all issues boring to Americans today." "Are you sick of politics as usual in Washington?" Lieberman said at a campaign fundraiser held at the downtown Hartford Hilton. "Are you sick of politics in general? Well, I can see why. Politics, frankly, is boring. In this campaign, I promise to slide past the tedious issues and get to the point: I want to be your next president! Vote Joe in 2004!" "Endless details, mathematical proposals, and tax plans," Lieberman continued. "Why should the nation as a whole have to tolerate all that?" Lieberman, among the most politically moderate of the Democratic hopefuls, first delivered this new stump speech in New York on Oct. 3. On that day, he promised a group of factory workers in Buffalo that all future speeches would focus on his ultimate goals instead of on the intricate workings of his actual proposals. "Americans are very busy, and I won't bore them with the details of my positions," Lieberman said. "I think George W. Bush is doing a terrible job as America's chief executive, both at home and abroad. I'd do much better. I'd keep America safe. It's all very complicated when you get into it, so I'll spare you the boring legislation-this and appropriations-that. All you need to know is that I'm on it." To growing applause, Lieberman quickly ran through a list of issues important to voters. "The economy? I'll make it better," he said. "Reconstruction of Iraq? No problem. International relations? I'll patch those up in my first 100 days. Poverty? I got a plan." "World trade? Women's rights? Education? Yes, yes, and yes," said Lieberman, who spent the next 45 minutes discussing the Red Sox. The rest of the "article"
