From The Onion, of course. link to original WASHINGTON, DC—Democratic candidate John Kerry seems to truly believe he has a chance at winning the presidency in 2004, the adorable Massachusetts senator revealed Monday. "The current administration's reckless approach to tax cuts is a huge fiscal gamble," said the plucky politician. "It benefits the wealthy, hurts the poor, and will never succeed in restoring broad-based economic growth and financial discipline." "We must act now, before our nation plunges deeper into debt," added Kerry, sounding as cute as ever. "When George Bush took office, there was a projected budget surplus of $5.6 trillion from 2002 to 2011. Now, economists project hundreds of billions of dollars in deficits for the same time period." The precocious Kerry is one of nine candidates in the race for the Democratic presidential nomination. "That is so great," said a beaming Dan Rather following a report on CBS Evening News. "Kerry says he will beat not only all the White House hopefuls in the primary, but also President Bush in the election. Keep it up, champ!" In spite of Bush's campaign war chest of more than $40 million, Kerry maintains a positive outlook. "Our country cannot afford to stand behind a president who cuts taxes in the face of huge military spending," Kerry said on NBC's Meet The Press Sunday. "We must choose a leader who is not afraid to make economic decisions that make us stronger in the future, not just the ones he thinks will keep him in office." "Yes, sir, 'Mr. President,'" bemused interviewer Tim Russert said. "Whatever you say." Kerry has campaigned tirelessly since announcing earlier this year that he wanted to run for president. "I believe it's time to turn this country around," Kerry said at a campaign stop in Davenport, IA. "On virtually every issue, the president has moved America in the wrong direction: the budget busted, the economy down, the stock market down, unemployment up, the uninsured up, and an America increasingly isolated in the world." "He looks so handsome," 68-year-old onlooker Iris Weum said. "It's so nice that he's trying to be president." Kerry, looking very presidential in his nice new suit and clean white shirt, also criticized Bush's strategy for the war in Iraq. "The truth is, the Bush Administration went to war without a plan to win the peace in Iraq," Kerry said. "Our troops should not be sent into battle like campaign props. We must demand more of our commander-in-chief." Though the road to the presidency is a long one, experts report Kerry is "doing a great job." "Kerry's presidential campaign had nearly $11 million in the bank at the end of June, which tops the field of Democratic hopefuls in terms of cash," said Candice Lowman, a political analyst with the conservative think tank American Enterprise Institute. "So, that's something. Heh heh. What a sweetie." Lowman added: "Well, you know, though, as the White House scrambles to answer questions about disputed intelligence on Iraq's nuclear-weapons programs, at least one of those Democratic candidates might have a shot. Stranger things have happened. Aw, who am I kidding?" While Kerry seeks to discredit Bush, he must also differentiate himself from the eight other campaigning Democrats. His main competition within the party comes from U.S. Sen. Joe Lieberman (D-CT), U.S. Rep. Richard Gephardt (D-MO), and Vermont Gov. Howard Dean, all of whom think they are going to win the election in 2004. "Go get 'em, tigers," said Toby Nichols, a top advisor to Bush's campaign in 2000. "Go be president, guys." Kerry shows no signs of slowing his cute campaign efforts. "It is long overdue that America stops being the only industrialized nation on this planet that doesn't have health care available for all of its citizens," Kerry said in a conference call with reporters. "I'm running for president to make health care for all Americans a right and not a privilege, to bring costs under control, and to cover the uninsured." "Awwww," said Adrian Tung, reporter for The Baltimore Sun. "That Kerry." link to original
