Got this great letter in an email. I'm sure it's something we could all use for significant others and whatnot: Dear (wife or girlfriend), Football season is here, cupcake, but I don't love football more than you. I promise. Your friend who is a size 18 and says that is lying. She's just angry with you because you forgot to get double butter on the popcorn when you went to see the re-release of Transamerica last Saturday night. When she said I wasn't that into you and softly snapped her buttered fingers, that wasn't true. It's just that football is here and I'm into football, too. So I'm penning this letter to let you know I love you more than football and also to go ahead and apologize in advance for all the things that might make you upset this season. First of all, I apologize for (insert single friend's name here). I know you're still upset about last season when he got too drunk to leave and slept on our couch. I know you said it stunk for three months and that we ended up with an added charge on our Comcast bill that was itemized for Backdoor 40+ Double D's. I promise he had nothing to do with that. You really don't need to know why he didn't, but basically he doesn't like girls who are older than 18. Or even 18, really. I'd explain his rationale, but it involves grass on the field and I know you prefer basketball. Second, I apologize for not wanting to hang out with your girlfriends' guy friends from work who don't have any guy friends of their own. It's not that I don't appreciate you wanting to help us "meet new couple friends," it's just that any other guy who doesn't already have guy friends is friendless for a reason. Especially if he doesn't even have friends to watch sports with. Frankly, he sucks. Maybe not literally, but definitely figuratively. So I'm not coming over to watch games at his trendy loft condo with skylights and walls that are cool because they're half brick and half plaster. I'm afraid when I get there he'll be crying into his industry chic espresso machine. Third, when I go out of town to attend football games I promise I won't do keg stands this year. I'm grown now. You were right when you said keg stands were only for frat boys. You left off girls wearing skirts but I'm not holding that against you. To prove it I won't even look at the girls wearing skirts. OK, remember when you said you wanted me to be honest? I'm going to look at the girls wearing skirts who do keg stands. But only because I'll be helping to hold them up so they don't fall over while they're drinking. Fourth, I apologize for not only being unavailable for Saturday and Sundays in September but also being unavailable for all of October, November, and December weekends. See, television dictates game times. And while I'm sure I can squeeze in a couple of hours before or after kickoff, I'm not even really sure when kickoff is going to be for later season games. You can imagine how difficult this is for me. Also, and no matter what, I'm not going to your cousin Lorraine's wedding that she scheduled for (insert rivalry game here). Not because I think she's going to be divorced within six months of the wedding, well, I kind of do, but just because she scheduled her wedding when she did. I hate her. I'm sorry, but you want me to be more expressive with my feelings, right? I'm trying. Fifth, I'm sorry for whatever I break when my team loses. I know this disappoints you because you "expect more from a grown man." And I know you're still upset from last year when I tried to be mature about breaking things and asked you to move everything that was breakable out of our den during football season so I wouldn't be tempted. I thought this was being "proactive" but you told me I was being "malicious and destructive and passive aggressive." Or something like that. You used a lot of big words and lost me because you were wearing a tank top with your good bra. Not that your other bras are bad but just that one is really good. Anyway, I'm not going to break your mom's Lladro. I promise. Or those really scary Precious Moments figurines you like where angel babies kiss while ice skating beside Jesus. I know better than that. Sixth, when you come into the room and see the DVR paused on the cheerleaders that's not because we are ogling. It's because once (insert friend's name here) told us guys that all the starting offensive linemen give the cheerleaders pearl necklaces before they go onto the field and we're just checking to see whether they are still wearing them. But, regardless, you should know, their boobs never look as good as yours do in the good bra. Again, I'm not saying that you have bad bras. Just some are much better than others. Like the difference between Marino in 1984 vs. Marino in 1994. One is a classic all-star at the peak of his career and the other is still a Hall of Famer. Not even if the cheerleaders have nip slips and we catch it on television do they look anywhere as good as you. Seventh, I apologize for not letting you wash my lucky T-shirt. I know it smells. It's just you've always had a lot better sense of smell than I have. Except for those scented candles you always burn ... those smell great. They're lovely. Like burning cinnamon. You know how much I like cinnamon. But when my team is winning it could upset everything if I start washing it. Don't worry if your friends are coming over, I'll stay in the basement so they don't smell me. Eighth, when I curse in front of your nieces and nephews who have such strict parents that they've never even had a Coke or tasted sugar in their life, I'm not trying to corrupt them. Also, I apologize for trying to cover for myself last year and telling your nephew that I was just saying "fruck" and that when you saw a really cool truck it was a fruck. I know how much your sister Deborah was bothered by him picking this up so quickly. Who knew kids were such sponges? (Remember to wear yours.) Finally, I'm not going to give the kids real sugar cookies and lots of caffeine again. I'll give them straight shots of whiskey. It's a joke, a joke honey. Only water. Not even any lemons. Ninth, please don't ask me right after a loss, while I'm still mad and cursing, whether a "silly football game" is more important than our relationship. I can't be responsible for my answers right after a team loses. Especially if it's because of a late fumble. After all, you didn't call Deborah up right after her first miscarriage and ask her whether you were still her favorite sister, did you? It's the same principle here. So, I guess what I'm saying is I love you ... and football. Love, (Insert name here)
LOL. My wife knows that during football seasons, Saturdays are off limits. The trade-off is that Sundays are "for her" which translates into "do this" and "do that" for me. So I spend more time keeping up with college football than the pros, fortunately for me there are great programs like "The Blitz" and "NFL Live" to keep me up to date. I do get to watch the Saints when they are on TV. But at this rate, they'll be blacked out.
On the subject of fall weddings, this November, THREE of my friends are getting married one weekend after the other. And here's the kicker, all three of the couples went to LSU. So the first wedding is the Bama game, the next one is La Tech, and the third is Ole Miss. Some people are just so selfish and inconsiderate...
hey, my HUSBAND knows saturdays are off limits! so y'all just have the wrong kind of girls!:grin: and the way the saints are playing, just as well they be blacked out. it spares a bit of heart ache! :hihi:
I do not have this problem. My wife sits next to me at home during every game. Yells louder than me, and has a full understanding of the game. She could embarrass a lot of the "see me" fans with her knowledge of the game. I have been teaching her for 11 years. She never complained, only asked more questions to learn more about the game. She can name every player by their jersey number, and most of the big players on opposing teams as well. So be envious of me. My wife rules when it comes to football. Plus she is hot. So ha ha ha.
My wife is from N,Cali...wasnt even a college football fan before I introduced her to The LSU Tigers. Now she gets louder than I do...LOL. Even here in Fla and around my neighborhood, they all know when LSU plays on TV. :lsup:LSU!:lsup:LSU!:lsup:LSU!:lsup:LSU!:lsup:LSU! GEAUX....TIGAHZ!!!!!!!! "Beat the "Hell" outa UK!!!
I have the reverse problem. I absolutely LIVE for football; my husband is the whiny one in that scenario. I think he has ADD and has trouble watching anything for that long. After I sank to my knees on the floor of our living room when Lavalais stepped on the OLineman who stepped on Eli Manning to end the '03 Ole Miss game, he looked at me and said, "I'm worried about you. You are truly obsessed with LSU football." He was merely amused by me on Saturday night--when I went from one end of our family room to the other during "the DRIVE." I absolutely couldn't find a comfortable place to sit or stand.
