TODAY’S QUOTE “The journey of a thousand pounds begins with a single burger.” Chris O'Brien DIETING --- Sent in by my friend Rosemary, in the Florida Keys. This is a specially formulated diet designed to help women cope with the stress that builds during the day. BREAKFAST 1 grapefruit 1 slice whole-wheat toast 1 cup skim milk LUNCH 1 small portion lean, steamed chicken with a cup of spinach 1 cup herbal tea 1 Hershey's Kiss AFTERNOON TEA The rest of the Hershey Kisses in the bag 1 tub of Hagen-Daaz ice cream with chocolate-chip topping DINNER 4 bottles of wine (red or white) 2 loaves garlic bread 1 family-size Supreme pizza 3 Snickers bars LATE NIGHT SNACK 1 whole Sarah Lee cheesecake (eaten directly from the freezer) REMEMBER: "Stressed" spelled backward is "desserts". Send this to four women and you will lose two pounds. Send this to all the women you know (or ever knew), and you will lose 10 pounds. If you delete this message, you will gain 10 pounds immediately. _________________________________________________ _ A Buddhist Monk walks up to the New York City hot dog vendor and says "make me one with everything". The Monk hands the vendor a $20 bill. The vendor puts the bill into his pocket and the Monk inquires about his change. The vendor says change must come from within. _________________________________________________ _ If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen. _________________________________________________ _ "Just Give Me Chocolate and Nobody Gets Hurt." Seen on a girl's T-shirt. _________________________________________________ _ Coffee, Chocolate, Men ... Some things are just better rich. _________________________________________________ _ I’d rather have a free bottle in front of me than a prefrontal lobotomy. _________________________________________________ _ Question: What did the grape say when he was sat on? Answer: Nothing, he just let out a little whine. _________________________________________________ _ ELEPHANT STEW 1 Elephant, Medium size, 2 rabbits (optional), gravy. Cut elephant into bite size pieces and cover with gravy. Cook over kerosene fire for about 4 weeks at 465 degrees F. This elephant serves 3,800 adults and 35 children. If more are expected, two rabbits may be added. Do this only if absolute necessary, as most people do not like to find a hare in their stew source unknown _________________________________________________ _ Question: What did the carrot say to the wheat? Answer: Lettuce rest, I'm feeling beet. Shel Silverstein _________________________________________________ _ Knock knock! Who's there? Honeydew! Honeydew who? Honeydew you want to come out tonight? _________________________________________________ _ Question: What what can you make from baked beans and onions? Answer: Tear gas. _________________________________________________ _ GUINNESS STOUT After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer. The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him. The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one. The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it. The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered. The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?" and the Guinness president replies, "Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I." _________________________________________________ _ "A converted cannibal is one who, on Friday, eats only fishermen." Emily Lotney _________________________________________________ _ What is a Honeymoon Salad? Lettuce alone, with no dressing. _________________________________________________ _ RIDDLES 1) What lives in winter, dies in summer, and grows with its root upward? 2) An old Arab riddle goes like this: Our servant is green. Her children are born white and then grow black. Who is she? RIDDLE ANSWERS: 1) An icicle. 2) An olive tree. _________________________________________________ _ Sent in by website visitor, Scott Phillipson, Mead, WA Did you hear about the M&M inspector that got fired for tossing out all the W's? RECIPE FOR MUTTON Preheat oven to 475 degrees. Take your mutton quarter, sized for the family, put it in a turkey pan on an oak board. Bake for 4 hours, basting every 20 minutes with a mixture of 4 eggs, one quart of apple brandy, two jiggers of good vodka. Remove from oven and let sit for 10 minutes. Throw away the mutton and eat the board
