> Hillary Clinton said that her childhood dream was to > be an Olympic athlete. But she was not athletic > enough. She said she wanted to be an astronaut, but at > the time they didn't take women. She said she wanted > to go into medicine, but hospitals made her woozy. > Should she be telling people this story? I mean she's > basically saying she wants to be president because she > can't do anything else." > -- Jay Leno > > "Well, the big story -- Hillary Clinton will be > running for president in 2008. You know why I think > she's running? I think she finally wants to see what > it's like to sleep in the president's bed." > -- Jay Leno > > "Top Democrats have mixed feelings about Sen. Hillary > Clinton running for president. Apparently some > Democrats don't like the idea, while others hate it." > -- Conan O'Brien > > "In a fiery speech this weekend, Hillary Clinton > wondered why President Bush can't find the tallest man > in Afghanistan. > Probably for the same reason she couldn't find the > fattest intern under the desk." > -- Jay Leno > > "Former President Bill Clinton said that if his wife, > Hillary, is elected president, he will do whatever she wants. > You know Bill Clinton -- when he makes a vow to > Hillary, you can take that to the bank." > -- Jay Leno > > A student from the University of Washington has sold > his soul on eBay for $400. He's a law student, so he > probably doesn't need it, but still, that's not very > much. Today, Hillary Clinton said, 'Hey, at least I > got some furniture and a Senate seat for mine." > -- Jay Leno > > "Hillary Clinton said today that she wants legislation > to allow all ex-felons to vote. See, this way all the > Clinton's former business partners can vote for her in 2008." > -- Jay Leno > > > Hillary Clinton's 506-page memoirs have come out. So > much of her personality shines through, that in the > end, you, too, will want to sleep with an intern." > -- Craig Kilborn > > In Hillary Clinton's new book 'Living History,' > Hillary details what it was like meeting Bill Clinton, > falling in love with him, getting married, and living > a passionate, wonderful life as husband and wife. > Then on page two, the trouble starts." > -- Jay Leno > > "In the book, she says when Bill told her he was > having an affair, she said "I could hardly breathe, I > was gulping for air. > No, I'm sorry, that's what Monica said." > -- David Letterman > > "Hillary Clinton, our junior senator from New York, > announced that she has no intentions of ever, ever > running for office of the President of the United > States. Her husband, Bill Clinton, is bitterly > disappointed. He is crushed. There go his dreams of > becoming a two-impeachment family." > -- David Letterman > > "Last night, Senator Hillary Clinton hosted her first > party in her new home in Washington. People said it > was a lot like the parties she used to host at the > White House. In fact, even the furniture was the same." > -- Jay Leno > > "Senator Hillary Clinton is attacking President Bush > for breaking his campaign promise to cut carbon > dioxide emissions, saying a promise made, a promise > broken. And then out of habit, she demanded that Bush > spend the night on the couch." > -- Craig Kilborn > > "CNN found that Hillary Clinton is the most admired > woman in America. Women admire her because she's > strong and successful. Men admire her because she > allows her husband to cheat and get away with it." > -- Jay Leno > > "Hillary Clinton is the junior senator from the great > state of New York. When they swore her in, she used > the Clinton family Bible. . . the one with only seven commandments." > -- David Letterman > >
I had never read any of the Tonight Show's jokes in written form. To my surprise, they are actually funny. So it's Jay Leno's horrible delivery that ruins them.
Worst Quotes of 2006 14) "I don't care what people are saying Uptown or wherever they are. This city will be chocolate at the end of the day." --New Orleans Mayor Ray Nagin 13) "I will not withdraw, even if Laura and Barney are the only ones supporting me." --President George W. Bush, talking to key Republicans about Iraq 12) "You cannot go to a 7-11 or a Dunkin' Donuts unless you have a slight Indian accent.... I'm not joking." --Sen. Joe Biden (D-Del.) 11) "You may end up with a different math, but you're entitled to your math. I'm entitled to the math." --Bush adviser Karl Rove, insisting to NPR that pre-election polls "add up to a Republican Senate and a Republican House" 10) "We need somebody to put rat poisoning in Justice Stevens' creme brulee." --Conservative commentator Ann Coulter (Read more Coulterisms) 9) "See, the irony is that what they need to do is get Syria to get Hezbollah to stop doing this s**t, and it's over." --President Bush, chomping on a dinner roll while talking about the Middle East crisis with British Prime Minister Tony Blair at the G8 summit, St. Petersburg, Russia, July 17, 2006. 8) "He is exaggerating the effects of the disease. He's moving all around and shaking and it's purely an act. ... This is really shameless of Michael J. Fox. Either he didn't take his medication or he's acting." --Talk radio host Rush Limbaugh. 7) "And the devil came here yesterday. Yesterday the devil came here. Right here. [crosses himself] And it smells of sulfur still today. Yesterday, ladies and gentlemen, from this rostrum, the president of the United States, the gentleman to whom I refer as the devil, came here, talking as if he owned the world." --Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez, on President Bush, addressing the United Nations General Assembly 6) "I'm the decider, and I decide what is best. And what's best is for Don Rumsfeld to remain as the Secretary of Defense." --President Bush. 5) "You know, education -- if you make the most of it -- you study hard, you do your homework and you make an effort to be smart, you can do well. If you don't, you get stuck in Iraq." --Sen. John Kerry (D-MA), botching a joke about President Bush getting us stuck in Iraq. 4) "These broads are millionaires, lionized on TV and in articles about them, reveling in their status as celebrities and stalked by griefparrazies. I have never seen people enjoying their husband's death so much." --Conservative pundit Ann Coulter, on who have been critical of the Bush administration. 3) "This fellow here, over here with the yellow shirt, macaca, or whatever his name is. He's with my opponent. He's following us around everywhere. And it's just great. ... Let's give a welcome to macaca, here. Welcome to America and the real world of Virginia." --Sen. George Allen (R-VA), ridiculing S.R. Sidarth, a 20-year-old Virginian native of Indian descent, by using an ethnic slur referring to a type of monkey found mainly in Asia. 2) "How's my favorite young stud doing? ... Strip down and get relaxed ... Good, so you're getting horny? ... Cute butt bouncing in the air ... Get a ruler and measure it for me. ... (Page: "My mom is yelling") ... Cool, I hope she didn't see anything." --from the transcript of a sexually explicit IM chat Rep. Mark Foley (R-Fla.), chairman of the Congressional Missing & Exploited Children's Caucus, had with a 16-year-old male, the revelation of which prompted him to resign. 1) "F**king Jews. ... The Jews are responsible for all the wars in the world. ... Are you a Jew?" --Actor Mel Gibson, unleashing an anti-Semitic tirade on Malibu police after being arrested for drunk driving
"The vast majority of our imports come from outside the country." - John F. Kerry "If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." - John F. Kerry "One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'." - John F. Kerry "I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future." - John F. Kerry "The future will be better tomorrow." - John F. Kerry "We're going to have the best educated American people in the world." - John F. Kerry "I stand by all the misstatements that I've made." - John F. Kerry "We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a part of Europe." - John F. Kerry "Public speaking is very easy." - John F. Kerry "A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls." - John F. Kerry "We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur." - John F. Kerry "For NASA, space is still a high priority." - John F. Kerry "Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children." - John F. Kerry "It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." - John F. Kerry "It's time for the human race to enter the solar system." - John F. Kerry
Dumb Bush quotes 15. "We need to counter the shockwave of the evildoer by having individual rate cuts accelerated and by thinking about tax rebates." —Washington, D.C. Oct. 4, 2001 14. "People say, how can I help on this war against terror? How can I fight evil? You can do so by mentoring a child; by going into a shut-in's house and say I love you." —Washington, D.C., Sept. 19, 2002 13. "The really rich people figure out how to dodge taxes anyway." —explaining why high taxes on the rich are a failed strategy, Annandale, Va., Aug. 9, 2004 12. "My plan reduces the national debt, and fast. So fast, in fact, that economists worry that we're going to run out of debt to retire." —radio address, Feb. 24, 2001 11. "See, free nations are peaceful nations. Free nations don't attack each other. Free nations don't develop weapons of mass destruction." —Milwaukee, Wis., Oct. 3, 2003 10. "The most important thing is for us to find Osama bin Laden. It is our number one priority and we will not rest until we find him." —Washington, D.C., Sept. 13, 2001 9. "I don't know where bin Laden is. I have no idea and really don't care. It's not that important. It's not our priority." —Washington, D.C., March 13, 2002 8. "I just want you to know that, when we talk about war, we're really talking about peace." —Washington, D.C. June 18, 2002 7. "I trust God speaks through me. Without that, I couldn't do my job." —to a group of Amish he met with privately, July 9, 2004 6. "Major combat operations in Iraq have ended. In the battle of Iraq, the United States and our allies have prevailed." —speaking underneath a "Mission Accomplished" banner aboard the USS Abraham Lincoln, May 1, 2003 5. "If this were a dictatorship, it'd be a heck of a lot easier, just so long as I'm the dictator." —Washington, D.C., Dec. 19, 2000 4. "There's an old saying in Tennessee — I know it's in Texas, probably in Tennessee — that says, fool me once, shame on — shame on you. Fool me — you can't get fooled again." —Nashville, Tenn., Sept. 17, 2002 (Watch video) 3. "Too many good docs are getting out of the business. Too many OB-GYNs aren't able to practice their love with women all across this country." —Poplar Bluff, Mo., Sept. 6, 2004 (Watch video) 2. "Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we." —Washington, D.C., Aug. 5, 2004 (Watch video) 1. "My answer is bring them on." —on Iraqi insurgents attacking U.S. forces, Washington, D.C., July 3, 2003
Fake Kerry quotes. Most are actually republican vice president Dan Quayle quotes! :grin: http://www.snopes.com/quotes/candidate.asp
