Don't mess with Chuck 1. Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried. 2. When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you. 3. Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard. 4. Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull. 5. Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement. 6. Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't f*** with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf. 7. Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month. 8. To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer, Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong. 9. The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided. 10. Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths. 11. Chuck Norris lives by only one rule: No fat Chicks. 12. When Chuck Norris's wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, "Don't worry about it honey," and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, "Never question Chuck Norris." 13. Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!" 14. A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is "Charles". Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded. 15. Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits. 16. Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya". 17. Chuck Norris once went to a frat party, and proceeded to roundhouse every popped collar in sight. He then drank three kegs and s*** on their floor, just because he's Chuck Norris. 18. Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected with five times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilzer. This is, of course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of the actors he fights. 19. Chuck Norris took my virginity, and he will sure as hell take yours. If you're thinking to yourself, "That's impossible, I already lost my virginity.", then you are dead wrong. 20. Chuck Norris found out about Conan O'Brien's lever that shows clips from "Walker: Texas Ranger" and is working on a way to make it show clips of Norris having sex with Conan's wife. 21. The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain. 22. Chuck Norris doesn't have normal white blood cells like you and I. His have a small black ring around them. This signifies that they are black belts in every form of martial arts and they roundhouse kick the **** out of viruses. That's why Chuck Norris never gets ill. 23. Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can "accidentally" beat the **** out of little kids. 24. Chuck Norris once tried to sue Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr., insisting that that actually is "his" way. 25. One of the greatest cover-ups of the last century was the fact that Hitler did not commit suicide in his bunker, but was in fact tea-bagged to death by Chuck Norris. 26. Chuck Norris punched a woman in the vagina when she didn't give him exact change. 27. Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs. 28. After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more "humane". 29. If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death. 30. Chuck Norris ruins the endings of Harry Potter books for children who just bought one for the hell of it. When they start crying Chuck Norris calmly says, "I'll give you something to cry about," and roundhouse kicks them in the face.
Someone sent this to me about a month ago, and I almost got fired from work. It's not that any one is really that funny. You just slowly develop the giggles and each one is funnier than the last. Some that are missing from this list. When Chuck Norris runs with scissors, other people get hurt. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself. When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down. When Chuck Norris was born, the nurse said, "Holy $%^&! That's Chuck Norris!" Then she had had sex with him. At that point, she was the third girl he had slept with. Chuck Norris can divide by zero. When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket. When Chuck Norris jumps into a body of water, he doesn't get wet. The water gets Chuck Norris instead. In fine print at on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Chuck Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone has ever come to matching him. Chuck Norris once walked down the street with a massive erection. There were no survivors. Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night. Chuck Norris has two speeds: walk and kill.
There's also a long list of Vin Diesel ones. My favorite is: There's no such thing as evolution, only a list of animals that Vin Diesel allows to live. My favorite Chuck Norris one is: The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there & then it's just filled with blood & tears.
See, I don't understand that. Nuck Chorris is a proven badass. In fact, other badasses use him as a level of aspiration. Vin Diesel is just a proven dumbass. But he's multi-ethnic, so mainstream media is obsessed with him. As for the list, I've seen it before but it is absolutely hilarious.
How about props to the original... Bill Brasky. "Bill Brasky is a son of a bitch!" "Bill Brasky is the father of every kid in this town!" "Bill Brasky once showed me a video of him making love to my wife, and it was the most beautiful thing I ever saw!" "One time I was with Brasky in the back of a pickup truck, along with a live deer. Brasky goes up to the deer and says, 'I'm Bill Brasky! SAY IT!' Then he manipulates the deer's lips in such a way as to make it say, 'Billbrasky' ... It wasn't exactly like it, but it was pretty good for a deer!'" "He'd eat a homeless person if you dared him!" "His poop is used as currency in Argentina." "He sweats Gatorade" "He once breast-fed a flamingo back to health." "He hated Mexicans! And he was half Mexican! .......And he hated irony!" "I once saw him scissor kick Angela Landsbury." "He sheds his skin once a year." "He makes brooms somewhere in Georgia." "He did 3 tours in 'Nam...... I was in Corpus Christi on business a month ago. I had this eight foot tall Asian waiter, which made me curious. I asked him his name. Sure enough it's Ho Tran Brasky!" "I once saw him eat a whole live chicken." "His favorite movie is 'One on One' with Robby Benson." "He sleeps eight hours a night! ........ well, he was pretty normal when it came to that." "Bill Brasky was a two ton man-mountain who could palm a medicine ball!" "Did I ever tell you about the time Brasky took me out to go get a drink with him? We go off looking for a bar and we can't find one. Finally Brasky takes me to a vacant lot and says, 'Here we are.' We sat there for a year and a half and sure enough someone constructs a bar around us. The day they opened we ordered a shot, drank it, and then burned the place to the ground. Brasky yelled over the roar of the flames, 'Always leave things the way you found em!'" "Bill Brasky had a four day heart attack...a day for each chamber. At the autopsy, they said his heart looked like a basketball filled with riccotta cheese." "He once punched a hole in a cow just to see who was coming up the road." "He taught me how to make love to a woman, and how to scold a child." "They found $60 in change in his stomach." "He did all the makeup on the 'Planet of the Apes' movie." "He grew a 3rd arm and kept it in a vault." "Brasky drank a full glass of liquid LSD with his eggs. Then he slept for 8 months straight. When he woke he rubbed his eyes and said, 'All in all, I prefer gin.'" "They say Gene Roddenbery got the idea for Star Trek from listening to Brasky talk in his sleep." "He date raped David Bowie." "He once inhaled a seagull." "The Pope told him it was ok to have a mistress." "It was the sight of Brasky's naked body that drove Brian Wilson insane." "He once had sex with a cigarette machine." "He killed Wolfman Jack with a trident." "He uses the Shroud of Turin as a golf towel." "He once ate the Bible while water skiing." "He drives an ice cream truck covered in human skulls." "He sired a baseball team.. an orchestra if you count the bastards!" "You know, he would shoot whiskey into his neck with a syringe!" "He has dandruff the size of mice!" "He jogged with a fridge on his back!" "Bill Brasky was a 10 foot monster who slept with all our wives! And punched us all in the face! And we loved him for it!" "His first name is Bill! ....... I'm drunk." "He's a ten foot tall beastman who showers in vodka and feeds his baby shrimp scampi." "He orchestrated the merger between Unicef and Smith & Wessen." "He went public with his own buttocks and made $7 million." "Did I ever tell you about the time Brasky went hunting? Brasky decides he's going to hunt down all four of the Banana Splits. He stalks and kills every one of them with a machette. They all begged for their lives...except Fleagle." "We once had a bachelor party for Brasky. He ate the entire cake before we could tell him there was a stripper in it." "Brasky once hosted the Grammys and gave every award to Corey Hart." "He has a toenail on the end of his penis." "Brasky once got his wife pregnant and gave birth to a delicious 16 ounce steak. The after birth was sauteed mushrooms." "Brasky's family crest is a picture of a baracudda eating Neil Armstrong." "Brasky ranked 18th in the AP College Football Pool." "Did I ever tell you about the time Brasky was in a production of, 'The King & I?' On opening night, Brasky chloroforms the entire cast and slowly eats them in front of the audience for two hours. The production got pretty good reviews." "He breastfeeds John Madden." "Brasky named the group Sha-Na-Na. They did NOT want to be called that." "If you drop a phonograph needle on Brasky's nipple, it plays the Beach Boys' 'Pet Sounds.'" "They use Brasky's foreskin as a tarp when it rains at Yankee stadium." "Brasky directed that commercial where the women play basketball in high heels." "All the 'Yes' album covers are Brasky family photos." "He wears a live rattlesnake as a condom." "Did I ever tell you about the time he taught his son how to drive? He did it by entering him in the Indy 500. The kid wrecked and died. Brasky said it would've happened sometime." "Brasky's semen can form into a liquid human - like the guy from 'Terminator 2'" "Brasky still believes in Santa Claus, and he wants to put him in porno films." "He thinks then iron man is gay." "He framed Roger Rabbit." "The character of Johnny Appleseed was based on Brasky - except for the apple tree planting and not raping men." "He gave a handjob to a manta ray."
Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away. When an episode of Walker Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side. A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress. The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris's fist. When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever. When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a ****ing Indian. Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing. Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made. Chuck Norris owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoloy card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO Chuck Norris waited patiently in Al Capone’s vault for 63 years just so he could give Geraldo Rivera the surprise beating of his lifetime. Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own. The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears. Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch." Chuck Norris likes to knit sweaters in his free time. And by "knit", I mean "kick", and by "sweaters", I mean "babies". If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the **** down.
