You must be speaking of my famous
"Auburn Fans Smell Just Like Urine" thread. Unlike the Corndog ripoff, the Urine ripoff actually has basis in reality.
A note to our Auburn regulars. I enjoy having you here at Tigerforums.com. I really do. I don't let your urine odor affect my enjoyment of reading your thoughts at all. It helps that odors can't travel through the internet but never the less, I do enjoy you all.
AUBURN fans smell just like urine.
Yes, it is often said, but so, so true.
AUBURN fans do smell like urine.
I would never tell them that to their face though. This is something better said at internet distances. Even now, I am afraid.
I am afraid that they'll know I said it. I'll walk past an AUBURN fan someday, and he'll see that look in my eye that gives it away. That look that says, "gee, what is that smell? Is it urine?" The next thing you know, I'll have flat tires on my car.
If you only learn one thing from me today, remember not to tell AUBURN fans how they smell - you know, like urine.
AUBURN fans seem, somehow, sensitive to that whole urine issue.
I think this may be why a lot of fans get peed on by AUBURN fans. If you attend a game in Auburn, try to avoid telling them that they smell like urine. Say something else instead. Like, "Wow, AUBURN sure does have a great team this year. This is going to be a great SEC game."
It's hard. I know. It's like when you're having sex and you try to think about baseball. That urine smell is just so overwhelming. It makes it hard for you to think about football or baseball or whatever else. Your brain wanders into urine topics like: "Gee, I wonder if I took a bite of your finger, if you would taste just like a urine?"; or "Is this a real person or is it a giant bag of urine trying to make me think it is a real person?" or "What did that giant bag of urine just say?" or "Excuse me, Mister, why is it that you smell just exactly like urine smells?" or, of course, after a silencer: "Madam, did you just let some urine out?"
Heck, after what I've heard about AUBURN fans, I think it may be better not to smell them at all. Okay, not all of them. Some of them are nice. Sure. Smell the nice ones. That's okay.
You know what else is a bad thing to do? Holding your nose around them. They are real sensitive to that, too. Try holding your breath. But don't be obvious about it. Somehow they know you're trying not to breathe in the Auburn urine smell. And that offends them. They'll likely punch you for that if they catch on to what you're doing.
If you do breathe it in long enough, though, it'll permeate your whole body, and then you'll smell like urine just like they do. But don't say, "Dang, now I smell like urine." They take offense to that. And they will throw things. But not urine. Hard stuff. Stuff that leaves bruises and makes you bleed. Then you may have to get stitches or something. Just don't say it. If you do start smelling like urine, just shut up about it. Okay?
I think kids are acutely aware of urine smells too. Counsel your kids on how to behave around AUBURN fans. If AUBURN fans are driving around town, do not let your kids stick their heads out of your car window and sniff the air. No. Keep your windows rolled up. An odd change in their expression - indicating they smell urine - might get a wrench or pipe or some other object tossed at your windshield. So, that's dangerous. Let your kids stick their heads out of the car windows as you drive - on some other weekend.
I know you are just as puzzled as I am about some of this urine stuff. What puzzles me most is that I've never actually seen any of these AUBURN fans urinating. Okay, maybe there's no mystery there - maybe they already urinated. Who knows? Maybe there's a giant bathroom in Auburn and they all urinate there. Maybe, there's a urine lotion that they wear, or a French perfume. Maybe their city council puts urine in the water supply - kind of like fluoride. The politics there are probably weird. The big political issue during the city election is whether they should add more urine to the water. Don't comment on it though. It's not politically correct over there. It's like a malnutrition issue or something. It's like urine is probably added to the water to prevent starvation or something.
I know when you go to Auburn, you're thinking: "Ahhhh. Here I am in Auburn, Alabama. I'll bet the people here smell just like B.O. or a spit cup or some stewed pork necks." All that is true but most of all they smell just like urine.
In fact, please listen to my advice. Leave them alone about the urine odor. And don't try masking the odor with something stronger. They'll curse at you. They'll say something like: "WTF, how dare you smoke a cigar in my home." or "WTF!! Are you too good for the smell of urine?" and they'll cuss out your kids too: "WTF!!! Little Mister fancy pants over here acts like he doesn't want to smell like urine."
Wareagles are not like us. Don't you see that, yet? They are really sensitive about being sniffed and about their urine aroma. They know they smell like urine and it is no laughing matter to them at all. I know. I know. We sniff the bammers and the UGA dawgs and the Ole messes, and we keep a straight face with each of them, but don't press your luck with the wareagle fans. Don't refer to “The Jungle” as “The Urinal” either. I mean that's just wrong. Even if you've been drinking, they'll beat you up and urinate on your kids.
Along these lines, be extra careful when you laugh in their direction - even if you're laughing about something else. Like baseball or football, or sex or whatever. If you can't control yourself and you must laugh though, do not snort. The snorting makes them think that you smell their urine odor from a distance or that you're choking on it or something. They'll likely urinate on you. They urinate on each other at their games so they won’t think twice about urinating on you.
So, just remember. You can love one another without sniffing each other. You can enjoy the clash of a couple of good football teams. You can enjoy the thrill of the rivalry. But after the game, please heed my words. Please just move along and try to hold your breath. No sniffing the opposing fans this Saturday. Okay? Get your urine jollies at home.
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