WARNING: Please be careful - Do not roll down your windows on campus because they will try to throw diplomas through them… Q: What kind of jokes do they tell in Poland? A: Auburn jokes. Q: How can you tell an Aubie has been in your yard? A: The garbage is gone and your dog is pregnant. Q: An LSU fly and an Auburn fly are flying around the kitchen – how do you tell them apart? A: The LSU fly will be in the Sugar Bowl. Q: How many Auburn students does it take to eat an armadillo? A: Three. One to do the eating, and two to watch for cars. Q: What do you call an Auburn fan with no brothers or sisters? A: A virgin. Q: What do you get if you cross a Mississippi State football player with an Auburn cheerleader? A: Nothing – there are some things even a Mississippi State player won’t do. Q: How can you tell you’re getting close to Auburn? A: If you stop to take a pee the cows will back up to the fence. Q: Why did they cancel the Auburn Christmas play last year? A: They couldn’t find 3 wise men and a virgin. Q: What does a tornado and an Auburn cheerleader have in common? A: They both end up in a trailer park eventually. Q: What is the difference between Jordan-Hare Stadium and a porcupine? A: A porcupine has 85,000 pricks on the outside. Q: What is the difference between an Auburn cheerleader and a catfish? A: One has whiskers and smells – the other is a fish. Q: Why don’t Auburn girls play hide and seek? A: Nobody would look for them. Q: What has 98 legs and 49 teeth? A: An Auburn sorority party. Q: How do you keep an Auburn girl from biting her nails? A: Force her to wear shoes. Q: Why do Auburn women like to be on top? A: So they won’t swallow their tobacco. Q: What do you call a beautiful woman on the arm of an Auburn fan? A: A tattoo. An Auburn fan gets married and is a little confused as to what exactly he was supposed to do on his wedding night. “For goodness sake, Bubba,” said his new bride, “you take that thing you play with and you put it where you pee.” So he jumped up and threw his bowling ball in the sink. Two Bama players were jumping on a man-hole cover in downtown B'ham Yelling "thirteen, thirteen.” An Auburn guy came by and asked, "What are y'all playing?" "A new game," they replied, "Wanna play?" "Sure,” he said, and the Aubie stood on the man-hole cover shouting, "thirteen, thirteen". As he jumped, the Bama players grabbed away the cover, and the Aubie disappeared into the hole. They slammed down the cover and jumped on cheering, "fourteen, fourteen..."
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Q: What are the best four years of an LSU student's life? A: Third grade. Q: What did the average LSU player get on his SATs? A: Drool. ---------------------------------- An LSU couple were speeding along on the Interstate 10, high rise bridge over Whisky Bay when they saw the red & blue lights flashing in the rearview window The driver pulled over as well as he could to the side of the bridge. The State Trooper walked up to the window with his clipboard in his hand. He asked, "Did you know that you were going 80 miles an hour and the speed limit on this bridge is 60?" The LSU guy looked at the carpet of the truck for the cigarette he dropped. He said, "Nope. I was going 60." The Trooper sounded fed up as he looked at his clip board and said, "No, I clocked you at 80." The trooper looked over at the man's wife sitting looking out of the passenger window at the cypress trees in the water. The Trooper said, "Ma'am, I clocked the man at 80. He said he was going 60. Now you tell me. Was he going 60 or 80?" The LSU woman said, "I never argue with him when he's been drinking." ---------------------------------- Two LSU fans found themselves out of a job when the underwear factory in Port Barre shut down. But their boss said they could go to the Louisiana State Unemployment Office -- so that they could get some money from the State while out of a job. So they both went to the unemployment office. As they waited, the first guy sat down at a desk and was interviewed by the lady there. "And what was your former occupation?" she asked. "Me, I was a crotch stitcher. I specialized in ladies underpants." he proudly replied. So the lady looks it up in her big book and says, "OK, you're eligible for $50 a week." "You mean I don't gotta do nothin' and I kin get $50 a week? Man, dats betta den crawfishin'!" he shouted. Then the second guy sat down and the lady asked him the same question. He looked her straight in the eye and said, "I was one a dem diesel fitters." She looked up in her big book again and said "Very good then, you're eligible for $200 a week in unemployment benefits." "Wait a minute!" the first LSU guy shouted. "Mais, how come he gets $200 a week, and me, I only get $50. I tole you I used to be a crotch stitcher; you know you gotta be real good to do dat kind of work so de seams are all nice an straight an smooth so nutting scratches de lady. An dis guy here, he's only a diesel fitter. And he's gonna make at least twice more dan me?!" "Oh," the lady replied, "but he's a skilled laborer with an education. Diesel fitters are in high demand especially by oil fields and heavy equipment users. There's not many diesel specialists around." "Whoa, whoa, whoa, lady," the first one continued, "you got dat all wrong. Yeah, he's a diesel fitter, all right. But what dat means is dat after I do all de fine work on de lady drawers, he picks dem up, looks 'em over and stretches dem dis way and dat, and den says, 'Yep, dese'll fit her!'"
Whats 100 yards long and has 200 teeth? The front row at Jordan-Hare. What is the first question the Auburn grad asked at his new job? Do you want fries with that.
Here are a few more, I found these through a simple search at google (some are old and used for every team or group of fans . . . but they are still funny): Q: Why do Auburn fans always roll Toomer's Corner? A: That way there is always toilet paper handy to wipe the cow **** off of their shoes. *In 1993, Auburn ordered championship rings when they finished 4th in the nation because they knew that a national championship wasn't ever going to happen. In 2000, Auburn ordered SEC WEST championship rings, not SEC championship rings because they got blown out by Florida in the title game. Once again they realized that SEC West champs was as close as they were going to get to a real championship. That's it. There is no punchline here. Those two facts alone make me laugh until I about cry. Then again I'm an Alabama fan and the Tide has more championships than Auburn fans can count. *A Georgia, Florida, and Auburn Grad were sitting in a bar, drinking, and discussing how stupid their wives were. The Georgia Grad, "I tell you, my wife is so stupid. Last week she went to the supermarket and bought $300 worth of meat because it was on sale, and we don't even have a fridge to keep it in." The Florida Grad agrees that she sounds pretty thick, but says his wife is thicker. "Just last week, she went out and spent $17,000 on a new car," he laments, "...and she doesn't even know how to drive!" The Auburn Grad nods sagely, and agrees that these two woman sound like they both walked through the stupid forest and got hit by every branch. However, he still thinks his wife is dumber. "Ah, it kills me every time I think of it," he chuckles. "My wife just left to go on a holiday in Panama City. I watched her pack and she must have put about 100 condoms in there. And she doesn't even have a penis!" *A Tennessee fan and an Auburn fan were riding in a car one day, the Tennessee fan was driving. They were going along a country dirt road in Auburn when they passed a cow with its head stuck in the fence. The Tennessee fan said, "Did you see that!? That cow had its head stuck in the fence." The aubie said, "so, its just a cow, keep going." The Tennessee fan continued to drive but a half a mile up the road he slammed on the breaks and turned around. The aubie asked, "What are you doing?" The Tennessee fan replied "I[singlequote]m going back to the cow, this is just too good of an opportunity to pass up." So, they pulled up to the cow, and the Tennessee fan took off his pants and proceeded to have his way with the cow. Afterwards, he zipped up, looked at the Aubie and said "okay, your turn." The Aubie stood there confused for a few seconds then ...... he put his head in the fence. Q. How do you know the toothbrush was invented in Auburn? A. If it had been invented anyplace else, it would have been called a teethbrush. Q. Three football players are riding in a car, one from Auburn, one from Tennessee, and one from Florida. Who's driving? A. The State Trooper Q : Why don't Auburn fans fart? A : Their mouths are never closed long enough to build up any pressure! Q: Did you hear auburn's president's mansion almost burned down? A: Yeah, almost took out the whole trailor park. Q: What do you call a line of John Deere tractors going down the road? A: The Auburn Homecoming Parade. Q: Do you know the directions to Auburn? A: South to you smell it. East till you step in it. *You're probably an Auburn fan if... - You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge. - Fewer than half of your cars run. - You have more than two brothers named Bubba or Junior. - Your idea of a 7 course meal is a bucket of KFC and a sixpack. - Someone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt buckle. - Your dog and your wallet are both on chains. - Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does. - Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand. - You have 5 cars that are immobile and house that is! - Anyone in your family ever died right after saying, "Hey, y'all watch this!" - You think the last words to The Star Spangled Banner are, "Gentlemen, start your engines." - Ya can't get married to yer sweetheart 'cause there's a law against it. *Where was OJ headed in the white Bronco? To Tuscaloosa...he knew the police would never look for a Heisman Trophy winner there! *Two Auburn Engineering students were tasked to measure the height of a flag pole as a class assignment. They decided to measure the flag pole outside of Legion Field at the south end of the stadium. While attempting this task one student would hold the tape while the other climbed the flag pole with the other end of the tape. Much to their disappointment the student climbing the pole kept sliding down and could not get to the top. An astute Alabama graduate was observing from a distance and suggested that the Auburn students disconnect the flag pole and measure the pole while on the ground. The Auburn students enraged by the suggestion yelled out " We want to know how tall it is not how long it is you idiot" *A country bumpkin family from Auburn decides to go to the Big Apple for the first Time in their lives; Maw, Paw and their son. They go into the Empire State Building. As they're walking around they notice the elevator. Never seeing one before they stand in front of it bewildered. While staring at it an old lady in a wheelchair rolls up to it, pushes the button, the door opens, she rolls herself inside and the door closes. The Auburn hick family watches as the lights for each floor light as it goes up. They continue to watch as the numbers go down again. The door opens and out walks this tall gorgeous blonde. Legs to her neck. Great figure. Beautiful! Paw looks at his son and says, "Quick boy, shove yer Maw in there!!" *A guy goes into a bar and asks the bartender if he wants to hear a good Auburn joke. The bartender says, "Before you tell it, you should know that I am 6-2 and weigh 225 and I'm an Auburn fan. See that guy at the end of the bar? He's 6-4 and weighs 250 and he's an Auburn fan, too. And see the guy at the other end of the bar? He's 6-6 and weighs 280 and he's an Auburn fan, too! Now, do you still want to tell your Auburn joke?" The guy says, "Nah." To which the bartender smiles and says, "What's the matter? Are you chicken?" The guy says, "Nah. I just don't want to have to explain it three times." *Tommy Tuberville had died and gone to heaven. St. Peter showed him to his final resting place--a small single room wood hut with an outhouse. Tommy turned around and saw a huge mansion on the hill with LSU flags flying proudly in front. Tommy asked St Peter, ``Why do I get this hut when Nick Saban gets that mansion?`` St. Peter replied, ``That`s not Saban`s house. That`s where God lives!`` Geaux Tigers! I know a lot of these were lame, but it's always funny to read some good natured AU jokes.
I was riding through Auburn country the other day. Had on my Ole Miss hat and a go to hell Tubby tee shirt. Saw an elderly man sitting on the front porch of a real dump. He had on the usual AU cap. I just stopped to talk about some of the old antiques he had sitting around. He seemed really rude and I decided to try to have a little fun with him. I have been trying to learn to "throw my voice." I looked around and saw a horse across the fence from us. I said, "Mr. Horse. How are you?" Throwing my voice, I answered, "Pretty good. He feeds me well and exercises me some." The old AU man looked at me real hard. Then I saw his old dog. I said, "Mr Dog. How are you?" Throwing my voice, I said, " Fine. Well fed and he takes me to breed the bitch down the road." Then I noticed his sheep. I said, "Miss Sheep. How are you?" The old man starting jumping up and down and screaming, "That damn sheep lies. She lies." :hihi:
A couple of Auburn fans were diving over the spillway bridge in their pickup truck with 6 of their buddies riding in the back when the driver lost control and went flying into the water. When the police arrived the two guys who had been in the cab of the truck were standing on the side of the road soaking wet. They told the police that that had tried to save their buddies but they all drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.
