Brad Aumus was the comedy star of the annual of baseball dinner Friday night, but since you come here for substance, we'll get to Mr. Funny later. Here are the highlights of Scrapiron's speech to the masses:
• In discussing the final two spots in the rotation, the three names he mentioned were Chris Sampson, Troy Patton and Dave Borkowski. I don't know the significance of that, but those were the names he mentioned. He talked up Patton big-time, emphasizing he doesn't know if the kid is ready, but pointing out that kids do get to the big leagues on their own agendas. So maybe the kid will get a real chance in spring training.
• He spoke of Morgan Ensberg having a bounceback season. He was playing to the crowd, emphasizing the positive, but he didn't mention anyone else playing third base.
• He said he can't wait to see Chris Burke play everyday in center and that fans are going to love Carlos Lee.
• The back of the bullpen--Chad Qualls, Dan Wheeler and Brad Lidge--is baseball's best.
• Finally, he, too, finished by drawing a few laughs. "So come out and see Craig Biggio's march to 3,000 and the Hall of Fame. And come out and see Brad Ausmus... uh... uh... come out and see Brad Ausmus march... well, come on out.''
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The award winners included Lance Berkman (MVP), Roy Oswalt (Pitcher of the Year), Luke Scott (Rookie of the Year) and Carl Crawford (Houston Area Major League Player of the Year).
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My man Brad Aumus was absolutely hilarous in accepting the Darryl Kile Award for integrity and courage. ''When you hit .230 and have two home runs and 39 RBIs, you don't get a lot of awards,'' he began.
Then he went down the head table, beginning with Scrapiron. ''We're always having to tell him, 'Yes, Gar, you look a lot taller in spikes. And your mustache is as thick as Sam Elliott's.'''
Roy Oswalt? ''Roy is the most under-appreciated pitcher in baseball,'' he said. ''I'll tell you opposing hitters know who he is. And, Roy, next time you win an award, it wouldn't kill you to thank your catcher. I'm the one who has to put up with your mood swings on the mound.''
Lance Berkman? ''It's amazing what he did last season with no protection in the lineup,'' he said. ''So around the middle of last season, I went to Gar and said, 'I've got a solution. Hit me fourth.' He ignored me.''
Luke Scott? ''To be honest, I didn't even know he played for us last season until he got this award. Nice going, Luke.''
More on Oswalt. ''These guys couldn't have done it without me,'' he said. ''If you turn to Page 2 in your hymnal, you'll see that Roy Oswalt had a record 15 sacrifice bunts last season. You don't get 15 sacrifice bunts unless the man in front of you is on base.''
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''It's funny how you get this award,'' Roy Oswalt said. ''I was just talking to Jesus (Ortiz) about that. I won 20 games in 2004 and didn't get called. I won 20 games in 2005 and didn't get called. I won 15 last season and got the call.''
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Drayton McLane's speech ended the night and included this tidbit: Milo Hamilton is beginning his 58th year in baseball.
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