A brief summary of world history

For those of you who slept through World History 101, here is a condensed version.

Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the winter.

The two most important events in all of human history were the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man to the beer, and the beer to the man. These two inventions formed the foundation of modern civilization and together were the catalyst for the division of humanity into two distinct subgroups: conservatives and liberals.

Once beer was invented, it required large amounts of grain and that was the beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor the aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early human ancestors were sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they were forced to remain close to the brewery. That is how villages were formed.

Some men spend their days tracking and killing animals to BBQ at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is known as the conservative movement.

Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off what the conservatives had killed by showing up for the nightly BBQ and doing the sewing, fetching and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the liberal movement. Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women, and the rest became known as girlie-men.

Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, the invention of group therapy and group hugs, the evolution of the Hollywood culture and the concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide all the meat and beer that the conservatives provided.

Over the years conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on earth - the elephant. Liberals came to be symbolized by the jackass.

Modern liberals like imported beer (with a twist of lime added), but most prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu and French cusine are standard liberal fare. Another interesting evolutionary side note is that most liberal women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, home decorators, Hollywood makeup artists and group therapists are liberals.

Conservatives drink domestic beer. The eat red meat and still provide for their women. Conservatives are
big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, firemen, lumberjacks, construction workers, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, athletes, soldiers and generally just anyone who works at a productive job. Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work for a living.

Liberals produce little or nothing at all. They like to govern the producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most liberals remained in Europe when conservatives were coming to
America. The liberals crept in after the Wild West was tamed by the conservatives and created a career of trying to get more for nothing.

This ends today's lesson in world history. It should be noted that liberals may have a momentary urge to angrily respond, and will not even consider passing this history lesson on to others. Conservatives, on the other hand, will simply laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth of this history that it will be passed on immediately to other conservatives and to liberals - just to piss them off.

 

I think you forgot a few things on the conservatives.
They invented the wide stance in public restrooms, but deny it, even though they paid the fine and cop a plea on the charges.
Also, Solicitation of young male interns while serving in congress.
And they invented the word hypocrite.

Lesson over:hihi:

 

You're right. Those conservatives who solicit young male interns are hypocrites. They trash the very values conservatives believe in. Thanks for recognizing that fact.

 

Well, let's see: First the earth cooled. And, then the dinosaurs came, but they got too big and fat, so they all died, and they turned into oil. And, then the Arabs came and they bought Mercedes Benzes. And, Prince Charles started wearing all of Lady Di's clothes. I couldn't believe it, he took her best summer dress out of the closet, and put it on, and went to town.

 

Indeed, and let them stay in Europe.

 

first off. its lemon. and its conservative college students and their coronas, unless youre talking about someone with a hefeweisen.

again conservatives (soccer moms) dominate. liberals realize the damage all the plastic bottles do, and liberals are smart enough to realize that most bottled water is a scam.

ive got no idea where this one came from. any of the cowboys, policemen or construction workers listed below eat tartare or Carne all'Albese?

first off, i may live in the most liberal city in america and i cant get good sushi. second, i go fly fishing and catch a salmon filet it on the spot and eat it and im a pansy, but if heston does it with an elk in colorado youll cry "Wolverine?"

again fallacy. conservatives drink heiniken. liberals know the best beer in the world is american. just not that crappy macro-brew lager stuff

is this code for "iron my shirt"?

rodeo cowboys are productive? athletes?

and you forgot to put "white" in front of "big-game hunters"


but, overall, nice effort.

 

A real man would be deeply ashamed of supporting any belief that there is anything "manly" about the Republican party we have seen over the last decade. Unfortunately, the Democrat party did like look a bunch of wussies as well. Thank Goodness the Dems have fresh blood with Obama (and thank Goodness they kicked Hillary to the curb). As for the GOP, thank Goodness they are rallying around the man they should have rallied around in the first place, John McCain.

 

I just can't get that image of Dukakis driving a tank out of my mind....



Sometimes I burst out laughing for no apparent reason. ldskule:

 

Republicans abandoning their conservatives values was the reason that we (conservatives) kicked them to the curb in '06 by not showing up to vote. Call it a "political correction".

Funny post. I must admit that some of the lib retorts are funny as well.