Subject: WHY CONDOMS COME IN BOXES OF 3, 6, AND 12 A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, 'What are these, Dad?' To which the man matter-of-factly replies, 'Thoseare called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe sex.' 'Oh I see,' replied the boy pensively. 'Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school.' He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, 'Why are there 3 in this package?' The dad replies, 'Those are for high school boys, ONE for Friday, ONE for Saturday and ONE for Sunday.' 'Cool' says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, 'Then who are these for?' 'Those are for college men,' the dad answers, TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday and TWO for Sunday.' 'WOW!' exclaimed the boy, 'then who uses THESE?' he asks, picking up a 12 pack.With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied, 'Those are for married men. ONE for January, ONE for February, ONE for March.....'
Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He would have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community. If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy. If the Pope won,they would have to convert or leave. The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise Rabbi to represent them in the debate. However, as the Rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Yiddish, they agreed that it would be a 'silent' debate. On the chosen day the Pope and Rabbi sat opposite each other. The Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. The Rabbi looked back and raised one finger. Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head. The Rabbi pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine. The Rabbi pulled out an apple. With that the Pope stood up and declared that he was beaten, and that the Rabbi was too clever. The Jews could stay in Italy. Later the Cardinals met with the Pope and asked him what had happened? The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity He responded by holding up one finger to remind me there is still only one God common to both our beliefs." "Then, I waved my finger around my head to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us." "I pulled out the wine and wafer, to show that God absolves us of all our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin." He had beaten me at every move and I could not continue. Meanwhile, the Jewish community gathered to ask the Rabbi, how he had won? "I haven't a clue' said the Rabbi."First he said to me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I gave him the finger." "Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews and I said to him that we were staying right here." "And then what?" asked a woman. "Who knows?" said the Rabbi. "He took out his lunch so I took out mine!"
A Priest and a Rabbi are riding in a plane. After a while, the Priest turns to the Rabbi and asks, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?" The Rabbi responds, "Yes, that is still one of our beliefs." The Priest then asks, "Have you ever eaten pork?" To which the Rabbi replies, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted pork." The Priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading. A while later, the Rabbi spoke up and asked the Priest, "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?" The Priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith." The Rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?" The Priest replied, "Yes Rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith." The Rabbi nodded understandingly for a moment and then said, "A lot better than pork isn't it?"
A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his Mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down. The mom Sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen. She dresses quickly and goes to find Him.. The son sees his mom and asks, 'What were you and Dad Doing?' The mother replies, 'Well, you know your dad has a big Tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it and Help flatten it..' 'Your wasting your time,' said the boy. 'Why is that?' the mom asked puzzled. 'Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up.'
'One day a wife was bored and tired of life, with her husband, job, and the monotony of everyday life. She turns to her husband with a desperate plea, sayiny honey i want to go somewhere, somewhere exotic and very very very expensive...................... they load up in the car bags packed, she is ready for this expensive place... He drops her ass of at the GAS STATION.
A doctor had the reputation of helping couples increase the joy in their sex life, but always promised not to take a case if he felt he couldn’t help. One day the Browns came to see the doctor, and he gave them thorough physical exams, psychological exams, and various tests. He then concluded, "Yes, I am happy to say that I believe I can help you. On your way home from my office stop at the grocery store and buy some grapes and some doughnuts. Go home, take off your clothes, and you, sir, roll the grapes across the floor until you make a bull’s-eye in your wife's love canal. Then on hands and knees you must crawl to her like a leopard and retrieve the grape using only your tongue." He continued "Then next, ma'am, you must take the doughnuts and from across the room, toss them at your husband until you make a ringer around his love pole. Then like a lioness, you must crawl to him and consume the doughnut." The couple went home and their sex life became more and more wonderful. One evening they told their friends, the Greens, that they should visit the good doctor. A few days later the doctor greeted the Greens and told them he wouldn't take the case unless he felt that he could help them; so he conducted the physical exams and the same battery of tests. Then he told the Greens the bad news. "I won’t take your money because I can't help." "I believe your sex life is as good as it'll ever be." The Greens pleaded with him saying, "You helped our friends the Browns. Please, please help us." "Well, all right." the doctor said. "On your way home from the office, stop at the grocery store and buy some apples and a box of Cheerios....... '
Most people don't know that back in 1912, Hellmann's mayonnaise was manufactured in England. In fact, the Titanic was carrying 12,000 jars of the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz, Mexico, which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after its stop in New York. This would have been the largest single shipment of mayonnaise ever delivered to Mexico. But as we know, the great ship did not make it to New York. The ship hit an iceberg and sank, and the cargo was forever lost. The people of Mexico, who were crazy about mayonnaise, and were eagerly awaiting its delivery, were disconsolate at the loss. Their anguish was so great, that they declared a National Day of Mourning, which they still observe to this day. The National Day of Mourning occurs each year on May 5th and is known, of course, as Sinko de Mayo.
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. “Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.” “I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes” replies Watson. “And what do you deduce from that?” Watson ponders for a minute. “Well, Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. But what does it tell you, Holmes?” Holmes is silent for a moment. “Watson, you idiot!” he says. “Someone has stolen our tent!”
I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the patients were shouting, "13....13....13" The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks and looked through to see what was going on. Some bastard poked me in the eye with a stick. Then they all started shouting "14....14....14"
