A lady in Tuscaloosa calls 911. Hysterically, she says, "Someone's just broken into my house, and I think he's going to rob me!" The police officer says, "We're really busy at the moment. Just get the guy's jersey number and we'll get back to you."
Q: What is Nick Saban's biggest concern? A: Does the NCAA count bail money as a recruiting violation?
THE BITCH IN THE KITCHEN A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her 5-year-old son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son saying, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now...cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train...cause we're going down the tracks." The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train... but I want you to use nice language." Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say... "All passengers, please remember your things, thank you and I hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon. " She heard her little darling continue.... "For those of you just boarding, remember, there is no smoking in the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today." As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay.... "PLEASE...SEE THE BITCH IN THE KITCHEN"
:rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl:Tiga, I had actually heard this one years ago and forgot about it...funny as hell! Read it to the wife and she almost peed her pants she was laughing so hard.:thumb:
After being married for 44 years, a man took a careful look at his wife one day and said, "Honey, 44 years ago we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25-year-old girl. Now I have a $500,000 house, $45,000 car, nice big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 65-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things." His wife is a very reasonable woman. She told him to go out and find a hot 25-year-old girl. And once again he would be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.
Boudreaux and Thibodaux were walking on a warf, looking down the bayou at the many camps when Boudreaux says, "I built all of these pirogues, but do they call me, Boudreaux the Pirogues builder?" Thibodaux says, "well, no." Then Boudreaux looks at all the warfs down the bayou and says, "I built all these warfs, but do they call me Boudreaux the Warf Builder?" Thibodaux says, "Nope." Then Boudreaux looks down all the camps and says, "I built all of these camps, do they call me, Boudreaux the Camp Builder" Thibodaux says, "No man, the sure don't." Then Boudreaux says, "I f*** one goat..."
Jesus walks over to the Pearly Gates to see St. Peter. "You have a meeting with the Boss", he says, "I'll handle check-in for you while you are gone." Jesus admits several souls, then a very weary soul came to the gate. "And what is your name", Jesus asked. "I can't remember my name", the man said, "All I can remember is that I was a carpenter and my son was very famous". Jesus looked at the man carefully and whispered "Father?" The man lifted his head and asked, "Pinnochio?"
