Keep in mind, this whole thing transpired back in the days of Steam Locomotives... Alphonse and Maurice were hoboing down by the tracks one evening at dusk. In hopes of catching a train they could jump for a ride... Several miles away the boys heard a whistle and knew it was on its way... On board the train itself sat a very "rotund" well to do woman...she raised her hand to ask for the conductor... The Conductor comes back to see what she needs. Lady: Excuse me...but where are the facilities onboard? Conductor: I'm sorry Mam, we don't have any. But rest assured we'll be in the station very soon so just try to relax. Lady: Hmmmm...very well, If i must, I must!!! And so the train continues on its way... About a half hour or so passes, and the lady stands up and raises her hand again. The Conductor returns to her again. He notices she had become a little flush in the face and sweat was beading up on her forehead. Conductor: Yes Mam... Lady: Look sir, I have to go to the bathroom, "Very Badly"!!! Conductor: Lady, I'm sorry, but its like I told ya before. We don't have one on the train, now please, just take it easy, we'll be in the station in no time! Lady: Oh God! Well if I must I must! She reluctantly sits back down... Yet another half hour passes and the Conductor is startled by a commotion back towards where the lady is sitting. He rushes back to find her cursing a the other passengers and raising all sorts of true hell.Sweat flies of her as she thrashes around and throws obscenities. Once he reaches her she grabs him by his tie, and almost yanks him out of his shoes! Lady: Look, you...I got to "chit", I got to "chit bad...now somebodies gonna have to figure something out..."Quick"!!! The Conductor in shock, thinks as quickly as he can... Conductor: Geez lady, the only thing I can tell you is, go back to the baggage car, theres no one back there, and just chit out the window!!! Lady: I got to do something!!! She gets up and waddles her big behind back to the baggage car, drops the windows and her big drawers. Somehow manages to get her big butt wedged in the window and starts to do her business. Well, Alphonse and Maurice were just about to leap onto the train when the chit hit Alphonse right in the face!!! Alphonse: Oh my God Bru..."What kind of chewing tobacco is dis"??? Maurice in a trembling voice and pointing replies: "I don't know, but you should have seen the face on dat SOB!!!:hihi:
My all-time favorite riddle: How is a roll of toilet paper like the starship Enterprise? They both circle Uranus and wipe out Klingons. ------------------------- Couple in bed, Husband: "how about sex tonight?" Wife: "I can't, I have a gyno appointment in the morning." few minutes later, Husband: "Do you have a dentist appointment in the morning?"
A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband: - “When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?” The husband replied, “All I wanted to do was to *&^% your brains out, and suck your tits dry.” Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, “What are you thinking now?” He said, “It looks like I did a pretty good job.”
Why men have better friends Friendship Between Women: A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew about it. Friendship Between Men: A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed that he was still there.
A guy walks into his shrinks office completely naked and wrapped from the neck down in saranwrap. The doctor says "clearly I can see your (you're) nuts." Stupid joke but it makes me laugh everytime!
A priest, a preacher and a Rabbi would get together twice a week for coffee to talk shop. One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it. Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the experience. Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages on his body and limbs, goes first. "Well," he says, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and he became as gentle a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation." Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, "WELL brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quick DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus." They both looked down at Rabbi Goldberg, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him. He was in bad shape. The rabbi looks up and says, "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start."
What's the difference between a bitch and a slut? A slut will sleep with anyone. A bitch will sleep with everyone except YOU!
