Got this in an email today, thought i'd share it..... A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program. The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck. She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, 'If you can catch me, you can have me'. Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. As promised. He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, 'If you catch me you can have me'. Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape. Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. As promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program. 'Are you sure?' asks the representative on the phone. 'This is our most rigorous program.' 'Absolutely,' he replies, 'I haven't felt this good in years.' The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, 'If I catch you, your ass is mine.' He lost 63 pounds that week. :rofl: :rofl:
Words of Wisdom from Larry the Cable Guy 1. A day without sunshine is like night. 2. On the other hand, you have different fingers. 3. 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot. 4. 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name. 5. Remember, half the people you know are below average. 6. He who laughs last, thinks slowest. 7. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. 8. The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap. 9. Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have. 10. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. 11. Change is inevitable, except from vending machines. 12. If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments. 13. How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand. 14. OK, so what's the speed of dark? 15. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. 16. Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now. 17. How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges? 18. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines 19. What happens if you get scared half to death, twice? 20. Why do psychics have to ask you for your name? 21. Inside every older person is a younger person wondering, "What the hell happened?" 22. Just remember -- if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off. 23. Light travels faster than sound. That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak. 24. Life isn't like a box of chocolates . it's more like a jar of jalapenos. What you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow.
The pope is diagnosed with an extremely rare but fatal disease. The Vatican doctors inform him that the disease is only evident in men who have never had sex with a woman, and the only cure is to have sex with a woman. The pope consults with his most trusted advisers, and after contemplating and praying for many days, they inform the pope that, in their opinion, it would be acceptable for him to indeed have sex one time with a woman. The pope ponders over things for awhile longer, and finally tells them: "I will grudgingly agree to have sex with a woman, but she must meet 4 criteria: 1. The woman must be blind, because I do not want her to be able to recognize me. 2. The woman must also be deaf, to make sure she cannot possibly identify me by my voice if I should accidentally speak. 3. To be extra careful, the woman must also be mute, just in case she does somehow recognize me anyway, because she will be less likely to be able to communicate her discovery with others. If a woman who meets those criteria can be found, I will have sex with her." One of his advisers was taking notes, and said, "Your Holiness, you mentioned four criteria, yet you only listed three." The pope replied, "Oh yes, big tits!"
2 muffins in an oven. one muffin looks at the other and sais "Damn, it's hot in here" the other muffin looks back and sais "holy ****, a talking muffin!"
WRONG ANSWER WIFE: What would you do if I died? Would you get married again? HUSBAND: Definitely not! WIFE: Why not - don't you like being married? HUSBAND: Of course I do. WIFE: Then why wouldn't you remarry? HUSBAND: Okay, I'd get married again. WIFE: You would? (With a hurtful look on her face). HUSBAND: (Makes audible groan). WIFE: Would you live in our house? HUSBAND: Sure, it's a great house. WIFE: Would you sleep with her in our bed? HUSBAND: Where else would we sleep? WIFE: Would you let her drive my car? HUSBAND: Probably, it is almost new. WIFE: Would you replace my pictures with hers? HUSBAND: That would seem like the proper thing to do. WIFE: Would she use my golf clubs? HUSBAND: No, she's left-handed. WIFE: - silence - - HUSBAND:Damn!
Actually, the first time I heard that joke, was when Channel 2 was covering former Gov Edwards (BTW, is that dude still in the pen??)...Not bragging or making a statement...Edwin's my dads 2nd cousin...and thats funny in itself:hihi:
I will probably get a lot of flak over this one but what the hell. A Priest and A Rabbi are walking in the park and they see this teenage boy in the park. So the priest says to the rabbi. Father you see that boy lets screw him. The Rabbi says " Out of what"
