As some of you know, I'm a lawyer. Because I deal with lawyers on a daily basis -- and also because I think I have a decent sense of humor -- I really enjoy good lawyer jokes. And I'd like to hear your best. Here are a couple to start: A couple of male lawyers were walking down the street on the way to lunch when a stunningly gorgeous woman walks by them. They both stop to stare at her when one says to the other, "Man, I'd like to fuck her." To which the other replies, "Out of what?" To get this one you have to know that many law offices have law students "work" for them during the summer. The students are genrally given fairly menial tasks (but not making copies or getting coffee; usually something like drafting pleadings or writing memos on obscure points of law) during their six weeks, but they're really extended job interviews. The "summer associates" also are usually taken to lunch every day by more senior associates or relatively junior partners and, at the bigger firms, the "summer associates" have busy, firm-sponsored social calendars too. In short, you get paid for six weeks of a little work, lunches and drinks and, if you don't step on your johnson too hard, you'll probably be offered a job for when you get out of school. So ......... now the joke: A law student was involved in a horrific accident and, unfortunately, died. He surprisingly went straight to heaven where he was greeted by St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter consulted his big book and told the former law student, "Well, you've led a pretty decent life and haven't done anything extraordinarily wrong but you were a law student, so I'm going to do something I rarely do. You can take a tour of heaven, then I'll send you down to hell, where you can have a look around. After you're done, come on back and you'll have to make a decision about where you want to spend the rest of eternity." The law student is a bit puzzled but goes along with it. He enters heaven and takes a look around. It's nice. Everybody seems content. He has everything he needs for a comfortable eternal existence. Then he goes down to hell. Satan greets him, saying, "Hey, dude! Pete said you were coming. Let's go have a look around." They enter into Hell's Casino and the law student walks up to a craps table. Magically, a huge stack of chips appears before him. He starts betting and, literally, can't lose. Then they go to a show and one of the showgirls, the most beautiful women he's ever seen, comes to their table after the show and says, "I was made for your pleasure. Please take me back to my home and have your way with me." He happily complies. Several times. The next morning he returns to heaven and tells St. Peter that he's chosen hell. When he gets to hell, a lesser demon is waiting at the gates for him and taken him straight to the lake of fire where he's bound to the wall and huge ogre starts lashing him with a whip. "Wait, wait! This isn't what I came here for," he yells at his new guide demon. "Oh, that was you with the boss last night?" the lesser demon asks. "Yeah, that was just our summer program."
These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by court reporters who then had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place: ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory? WITNESS: I forget.. ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot? ___________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning? WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam? _________________________________________ ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time? WITNESS: Getting laid ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: She had three children , right? WITNESS: Yes. ATTORNEY: How many were boys? WITNESS: None. ATTORNEY: Were there any girls? WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney? ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated? WITNESS: By death.. ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated? WITNESS: Take a guess. ______________________________________ ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people? WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight. _________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body? WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time? WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished. ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample? WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question? ______________________________________ And last: ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing? WITNESS: No.. ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? WITNESS: No. ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor? WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
A young couple on their way to the altar were tragically killed in an automobile accident. When they got to the Pearly Gates they asked St Peter if it was possible to get married in Heaven. St Peter replied that he didn't know but that he would find out for them. After two months St. Peter came back and told them that "Yes, you can get married in Heaven." The young groom to be then ask that if things didn't work out would it be possible to get a divorce. St. Peter replied, "It took me two months to find a priest in here. Just how long do you think it would take to find a lawyer?"
One day, there was this lawyer who had just bought a new car, and he was eager to show it off to his colleagues, when all of a sudden an eighteen wheeler came out of nowhere and took of the driver's side door with him standing right there. "NOOO!" he screamed, because he knew that no matter how good a mechanic tried to fix it, it never would be the same. Finally, a cop came by, and the lawyer ran up to him yelling, "MY JAGUAR DOOR WAS JUST RUINED BY SOME FOOLISH DRIVER!!!" he exclaimed."You're a lawyer aren't you?" asked the policeman. "Yes, I am, but what does this have to do with my car?!?!" the lawyer asked."HA! You lawyers are always so materialistic. All you care about is your possessions. I bet you didn't even notice that your left arm is missing did you?" the cop said. The lawyer looked down at his side and exclaimed, "MY ROLEX!"
I have something funny related to lawyers, only it's no joke. There's an attorney in Los Angeles by the name of Sue Yu. (Thanks MLU)
Difference between a dead lawyer on the road and a dead skunk....skunk has skid marks in front of it.
Guy calls law firm, gives his name, and asks to speak to his attorney. Receptionist says, "I'm sorry, he died." So guy hangs up. The following week he calls again. Again, receptionist says, "I'm sorry, he died." Again, he hangs up. The week after, he calls again, gives name, and asks to speak to his attorney. Receptionist politely says, "Sir, you've called every week for the last 3 weeks and each time I've told you he's dead. Why do you keep calling?" Client says, "Cause I love hearing it." Disclaimer, my father was and sister is an attorney. People curse you guys but let em slip and fall and see who they call.
I was told this is a true story. True or joke, still funny. A policeman was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the police officer's credibility ... Q: 'Officer --- did you see my client fleeing the scene?' A: 'No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away.' Q: 'Officer, who provided this description?' A: 'The officer who responded to the scene.' Q: 'A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?' A: 'Yes, sir. With my life.' Q: 'With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?' A: 'Yes sir, we do!' Q: 'And do you have a locker in the room?' A: 'Yes, sir, I do.' Q: 'And do you have a lock on your locker?' A: 'Yes, sir.' Q: 'Now, why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?' A: 'You see, sir, we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.' The courtroom EXPLODED with laughter, and a prompt recess was called.
