Joke of the Day

Discussion in 'New Roundtable' started by Luv4LSU, May 31, 2007.

  1. HatcherTiger

    HatcherTiger Freedom Isn't Free

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    A Louisiana Cajun from Breaux Bridge, Louisiana was stopped by a game warden because he had two ice chests full of fish. He was leavin' a bayou, well-known for its fishing.
    The game warden asked the man, 'Do you have a license to catch those fish?' 'Naw, sir', replied the Cajun. 'I ain't got none of dem there licenses. You gotta unnerstan', dese here are my pet fish.'
    'Pet fish?'
    Yeah. Evry night, I take dese here fish down to de lake and let 'em swim round for 'while. Den, when I whistle, dey jump right back into dis here ice chests and I take 'em home.'
    'That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that.'
    The Cajun looked at the warden for a moment and then said, 'It's de truth Mr. Government Man. I'll show ya. It really works.'
    'O. K.', said the warden. 'I've got to see this!'
    The Cajun poured the fish into the lake and stood and waited.
    After several minutes, the warden says, 'Well?'
    'Well, what?', says the Cajun.
    The warden says, 'When are you going to call them back?'
    'Call who back?'
    'The FISH', replied the warden!
    'What fish?', replied the Cajun.
    Moral of the story: We may not be as smart as some city slickers, but we ain't as dumb as some government employees.
    You can say what you want about the South, but you never hear of anyone retiring and moving north.
     
  2. red55

    red55 curmudgeon Staff Member

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    Boudreaux owned a small farm in Delcambre. The Louisiana State Wage & Hour Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him.

    "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the agent. "Well," replied Boudreaux, " there's my farm hand, Ned, who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board.

    The cook, Sera, has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $150 per week plus free room and board. Then there's the half-wit who works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally.

    "That's the guy I want to talk to --- the half-wit," says the agent.

    "That would be me," replied Boudreaux.
     
  3. KyleK

    KyleK Who, me? Staff Member

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    from my wife's uncle in BR:


    "The Brothel"


    The madam opened the brothel door in Winnipeg and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.

    "May I help you sir?" she asked.


    The man replied, "I want to see Valerie."


    "Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else", said the madam.


    He replied, "No, I must see Valerie."


    Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged $5000 a visit.


    Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand dollars and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs.


    After an hour, the man calmly left.


    The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie.


    Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive.


    "There are no discounts. The price is still $5000."


    Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs.


    After an hour, he left.


    The following night the man was there yet again..


    Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.


    After their session, Valerie said to the man, "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?"


    The man replied, " New Brunswick ."


    "Really," she said. "I have family in New Brunswick ."


    "I know." the man said. "Your sister died, and I am her attorney. She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance. "

    The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain:
    1. Death
    2. Taxes
    3. Being screwed by a lawyer!
     
  4. Bengal B

    Bengal B Founding Member

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    An Irishman, a Mexican and a blonde guy were working together at the very top of a high rise construction project. When the lunch whistle blew they all opened their lunch boxes. The Irishman exclaimed, "Corned beef and cabbage again. thats all my wife ever gives me. If I have corned beef and cabbage againI'm going to jump off this building."

    The Mexican opens his box and yells "Caramba! Tacos again. If my wife makes me tacos one more time I'm going to jump off this building."

    Then the blonde guy sees that his lunch is boloney sandwiches. He says "Not again. If I have another boloney sadwich lunch again I'm going to jump off this building."

    The next day the Irishman opens his lunch box and sees corned beefa and cabbage again. He then leaps off the building to his death. The Mexican sees tacos and jumps as well. When the blonde guy sees his boloney sandwiches he jumps to his death as well.


    At the funeral the wives were weeping and the Irishmans wife cried "If I had known he would do that I would have made him something else"

    The Mexican wife said"I wish I would have listen ed to Pedro. I would never have given him tacos again If I knew he would do this."

    When the blonde guy's wife said nothing the other wives stared at her. She said "Don't look at me like that. He made his own lunch."
    [/I]
     
  5. red55

    red55 curmudgeon Staff Member

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    After getting all of Pope Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesnt travel light), the driver notices the Pope is still standing on the curb.
    "Excuse me, Your Holiness", says the driver, "Would you please take your seat so we can leave?"

    "Well, to tell you the truth", says the Pope, "they never let me drive at the Vatican when I was a cardinal, and I'd really like to drive today."

    "I'm sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! What if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.

    "Who's going to tell?" says the Pope with a smile.

    Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 205 kph. (Remember, the Pope is German.)

    "Please slow down, Your Holiness!" pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.

    The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.

    "I need to talk to the Chief", he says to the dispatcher.

    The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going 205 kph.

    "So bust him" , says the Chief.

    "I don't think we want to do that, he's really important," said the cop.

    The Chief exclaimed, "All the more reason!"

    "No, I mean really important," said the cop with a bit of persistence.

    The Chief then asked, "Who do you have there, the mayor?"

    Cop: "Bigger."

    Chief: "The Prime Minister?"

    Cop: "Bigger."

    Well, said the Chief, "who is it?"

    Cop: "I think its God!"

    The Chief is even more puzzled and curious, "What makes you think it's God?"

    Cop: "His chauffeur is the Pope!"
     
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  6. Bengal B

    Bengal B Founding Member

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    :rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl::rofl:
     
  7. BAY0U BENGAL

    BAY0U BENGAL I'm a Chinese Bandit

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    I heard Ole Miss applied for a Capital One card Saturday, but got denied. :eek:lefire:
     
  8. Luv4LSU

    Luv4LSU Founding Member

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    Prostate Check-Up

    An old guy goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the Urologist as a precaution. When he gets there, he discovers the Urologist is a very pretty female doctor. The female doctor says, "I'm going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to. I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say, '99'.

    The old guy obeys and says,"99". The doctor says, "Great". Now turn over on your left side and again, while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say, '99". Again, the old guy says, '99'."

    The doctor said, �Very good�. Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly. I'm going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I'm going to hold on to your penis to keep it out of the way. Now take a deep breath and say, '99'.

    The old guy begins, "One ... Two ... Three" ...

     
  9. KyleK

    KyleK Who, me? Staff Member

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    CATHOLIC COFFEE MORNING IN ROME


    Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee in St. Peters Square .


    The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."

    The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."


    The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone bows their head and says 'Your Eminence'."


    The fourth Catholic man says very proudly, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."


    Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, The four men give her a subtle, "Well....?"

    She proudly replies, "I have a daughter,

    SLIM,

    TALL,

    38D BREAST,


    24" WAIST, and


    34" HIPS.















    [​IMG]
    When she walks into a room, people say, "Oh My God."
     
  10. red55

    red55 curmudgeon Staff Member

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    A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead were walking Along the beach. A seagull flies over and craps all Over the blonde.

    The brunette says in a disgusted voice, "Hang on. The bathroom is just up the hill. I'll go get some toilet paper."

    After she leaves the blonde begins to laugh.

    The Redhead says, "What's so funny?"

    The blonde says, "Well, blondes are supposed to be so dumb and look at her! By the time she gets back with the toilet paper that seagull will be miles away!"
     

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