didnt work with me. i have the song "welcome to the future" by brad paisley stuck in my head and even that didnt supplant it.
An old Indian was hitchhiking from the reservation into town to take care of some business. He was picked up by a fella in a white convertable. The guy puts his foot on the floor and they were off. The old Indian says, "HMMP, Drive Fast!" The fella says, "Yep, keeps you cool" After finishing up in town, the old Indian again hitches a ride back to the reservation. Again he is picked up by a fella in a big convertable that proceeds to haul but down the road. The old Indian says, "HMMP, Drive Fast!" The man says, "yep, keeps you cool." Back on the reservation the old Indian remembers that he needs to go to the other side of the reservation and check his traps. He climbs on his old horse, and rides him as hard and fast as he could. Finally the horse falls over and dies. The old Indian leans over him and says, "HMMP, musta froze to death."
A group of kids were trying very hard to become accustomed to the first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on NO baby talk! "You need to use Big People words," she was always reminding them. She asked John what he had done over the weekend. "I went to visit my Nana." "No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use Big People words!" She then asked Mitchell what he had done. "I took a ride on a choo-choo." She said. "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to use Big People words." She then asked little Alex what he had done. "I read a book," he replied. "That's WONDERFUL!' the teacher said. 'What book did you read?" Alex thought real hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride, and said, "Winnie the Turd."
A senior citizen goes in for his yearly physical with his wife tagging along. When the doctor enters the examination room he says, "I will need a urine sample, a stool sample, and a sperm sample." The man, being hard of hearing, turns to his wife and asks, "What did he say?" The wife yells back to him, "GIVE HIM YOUR UNDERWEAR"
Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close to death. They are close to just lying down and waiting for the inevitable, when all of a sudden....... 'Hey Jose, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon I is sure of eet.' 'Si, Luis eet smells like bacon to meee.. ' So, with renewed strength, they struggle up the next sand dune, and there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon. There's raw bacon, dripping with moisture, there's fried bacon , back bacon, double smoked bacon... every imaginable kind of cured pig meat. 'Jose, Jose, we is saved. 'Eees a bacon tree.' 'Luis, are you sure ees not a meerage? We ees in the Desert don't forget.' 'Jose when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon.... ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree'. And with that... Luis Races towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Jose following closely behind, when all of a sudden, a machine gun opens up,and Luis is cut down in his tracks. It is clear he is mortally wounded but, a true friend that he is, he manages to warn Jose with his dying breath.. 'Jose... go back man,you was right ees not a bacon tree.' 'Luis Luis mi amigo... what ees it? 'Jose... ees not a bacon tree... Ees Ees Ees Ees Ees Ees Ees Eees a ham bush.
"YOU MAY BE TALIBAN IF ..." 1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer. 2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes. 3. You have more wives than teeth. 4. You wipe your butt with your bare hand, but consider bacon "unclean." 5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide. 6. You can't think of anyone you haven't declared Jihad against.. 7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing. 8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs. 9. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least one. 10. You've always had a crush on your neighbor's goat.
My Kinda Doc Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true? A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise.. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap. Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables? A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products. Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake? A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up! Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio? A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc. Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program? A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good! Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you? A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! ..... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you? Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around themiddle? A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach. Q: Is chocolate bad for me? A: Are you crazy? HELLO! Cocoa beans ! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around! Q: Is swimming good for your figure? A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me. Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle? A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape! Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets. And remember: 'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming 'WOO HOO, What a Ride' AND..... For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies. 1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. 2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. 3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. 4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. 5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans. CONCLUSION Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
It was entertainment night at the Lufkin , Texas Senior Center and over 300 seniors came to see the show. Claude the hypnotist exclaimed: I'm here to put you into a trance. I intend to hypnotize each and every Member of the audience. " The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch.. It's a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations." He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, " Watch the watch, watch the watch, and watch the watch." The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the Hypnotist's' fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces. SH!T! yelled the Hypnotist. It took three days to clean up the Senior Center .
